Chapter 4, Esmeralda

I cannot recall a time where I wasn't broken.

I am worthless.

I am worthless.

I am a piece of trash.

These are the only thoughts in my head as I open the bottle of pills.

My hands are shaking.

Just one. I can do it.

I put a pill in my mouth, and I swallow it.

I immediately put the bottle back in my drawer and close it.

I can't walk away.

I need another one. Just another one.

Everything in me screams at me not to, but as always, my demons' voices are louder.

I take a second one. And a third.

I wipe my cheeks, wet with tears.

I am an addict, if that wasn't obvious. Well, only to my anxiety pills. Which I take whenever I have a panic attack. They were pre-scripted to me by my therapist, and at first I only took one whenever it happened, but as soon as my "episodes" started getting more frequent, I started taking more. I know it isn't healthy, and it literally kills me not to know how to stop.

Someone knocks on my door.

Oh no.

I immediately put everything back in my drawer.

"Esme ? Baby, is everything okay ?" My mom's sweet voice sounds from behind the door.

I force myself to answer without letting my voice quiver.

"Fine. I'll be out in a minute."

"Don't be late, honey. You know how mad your dad gets when you're late."

Yes, I do. When I was a girl, he used to give me so many lectures about punctuality that now, I am always early to everything.

When the sound of her footsteps fade, I quickly wipe the remnants of my ruined makeup and when I finally look decent, slip out of my room.

The entirety of my family is in the dining room.

My father called an urgent family meeting because of the shit I pulled at the gala, saying Milo and I would start dating, and that I was a woman of my word. Honestly, I was surprised he didn't throttle me when the night was over, must've taken a helluva self-control.

My parents and my older sister look at me when I enter the room.

If even Rita is there, that means I am in trouble.

My older sister is 28 and already at the head of a multi-million dollar company, which makes her my role model, even if the paths we both have chosen are completely different. I don't see her often since she is always working and is already engaged with Hunter James, who's kind of the older brother I never had. Rita is my literal opposite. She has golden hair and green eyes, our only resemblance lies in our smiles, which are the exact same.

I pull her in a big hug, and kiss her cheek in greeting.

"I've missed your ugly face so much." She says when we pull out of the embrace.

"I've missed yours more." I say with a small laugh. She is one of the few people who can put a smile on my face after one of my episodes, and I am so grateful for her. "How's Hunter ?" I ask her.

"He's great. And says he's sorry that he couldn't come today, he had a very important meeting."

"It's fine" I smile at her, then turn to my parents, who are both seated in expensive cream-couloured sofas.

"Alright." I say with faked enthusiasm. "Let's get on with it."

"You're a fool, Esmeralda." Is the first thing my father says.

Like I did not fucking know that.

"What did you think you were doing ? Saying you would date Chase when you two haven't spoken in God knows how much time ? Do you know what people would say about us when they realize that you don't really intend to date him ?"

He hasn't been this angry with me in a goddamn long time.

He's usually the calmer one in my parent's couple. Always the one I go to for advice and who doesn't judge me no matter my decision.

Mom crosses her arms over her chest and says, furrowing her brows.

"What your father intends to say, is that when you both stopped talking and when you wouldn't tell us why, you were so heartbroken, and we didn't know how to help you. And after everything you have been through because of him, when you've finally started healing, you want to get involved with him again ?"

Her voice is soft, careful.

I shake my head.

"I told you multiple times that none of what happened to me was his fault, Mom. And everyone saw that video, nobody knows that we don't talk anymore, and since we both always go around stating that we only have one word and that we are proud as peacocks, I naturally said that we would give it a try. And he looked okay with it."

I am not so sure of the last part of my answer but I would honestly do everything to get out of this horrible situation.

God, why did I have to say yes ?

Rita, as always, comes to my defense.

"Essy's right. Milo Chase is the most arrogant person I've ever met, he would never let anyone prove him wrong, even if the video is old."

I nod.

"Then what are you going to do about it ?" My father asks, sipping from a glass of vodka. "Are you going to date him ?"

Oh hell no.

"What do you mean, no ?"

Oops, did I say it out loud ?

I clear my throat.

"Uh, I mean, no, not really date him, but we would show up together at parties, festivals, and other serious stuff, without confirming anything. So everyone would thing that we are actually involved in a serious relationship."

I just came up with that on my own and I am honestly proud of myself. I think it's an amazing idea, except for the part where the other person involved-Milo strangles me when he finds out about it.

"That's the worst idea you've ever had in your entire life, Esmeralda." Mother dearest intervenes.

"I think it's genius." Rita answers with a smile at me.

I raise my eyebrows.

"What she said."

And for once, my parents don't interject in my decision.

Dad merely nods and waves a dismissive hand at me.

"I suggest you talk to him about it. And fast."

Just when I thought it wouldn't get worse.