There is life out there

Giulia De Angelis

I look at the mirror like an enemy, evidencing all the fears expressed within the evident blue, with a flowery dress falling down the body, covering the last marks from last week, I take a deep breath admiring the fair skin exposed without any marks on the arms and chest, something really rare.

I take the wooden brush on the dressing table, feeling like a caress as I run the bristles through the wires, building up the courage to resist the day, another day. It's more interesting than death, serving as I was taught is the purpose. I finish brushing the golden strands for the third time, placing the brush on the white dressing table, fixing my gaze on the velvety rectangular box, the scent of the roses beside the headboard drawing my attention to the reflection in the mirror to admire the vase with the flowers. yellow ones bringing the minimum of life into this prison.

I sucked in my breath trying to hold in my memory the good sensations caused by the present, I stared at my pale face in the mirror, wiping the tear running down my left cheek. I touched up the translucent powder on my face, placing my hands on the furniture, being aware of what must be done, it is necessary.

I got up from the bench, grateful for the absence of pain, held the box placing it inside the rectangular gold Gucci bag, walking with firm steps to the closet, analyzing the intact heels, the organized dresses, how can I be so ungrateful when so many people wish they had only the what to eat while I have it all.. it's just a small price to pay.

A young lady shouldn't cry for nothing Giulia.

My mother's voice reverberates through my mind remembering one of her teachings, but

Is it really that my crying is for no reason?

I shake my head, pushing away the conspiratorial thoughts, taking a golden peep toe leaving the firm calves on display contrasting with the flowered dress, creating a contradictory aspect of happiness and wealth on the outside, inside only pain, sadness and misery.

I walk with firm steps out of the closet putting the unfair thoughts back to the back of my mind, pulling for the last time the scent of the roses, opening the bedroom door holding the knob for strength.

I close my eyes praying for this to be easy, God knows I've needed something easy these last few years.

The maids, as usual, ignore my presence, finishing the cleaning around the corners of the mansion without returning the greetings, I reach the stair railing looking for some support, focus on inhaling and exhaling with each step lifting my head when I reach the last one, facing Dominus holding it the usual blank expression, walking away to open the big door indicating that giving up is not an option..

He makes a point of analyzing it by nodding his head in a silent affirmation that I can go out dressed like this.

Coming out of the mansion, holding back the tears as she felt the warm sunlight against her skin, the lawn is still green as always, despite the fact that none of the flowers planted by mom are there anymore.

I feel the soft touch on my hip indicating to continue, I walk down the steps towards the large parked armored car, the soldier opens the door casting a covetous glance at my legs as I position myself in the seat, I cringe automatically at the notion that it's just more a sin for my never-ending list.

I get stuck in that thought, even though I know that the gaze remains fixed on the rearview mirror, I sigh with a hint of happiness when the road begins to transform from large trees into a highway busy with small cars, the fields falling behind while the buildings on the horizon line giants come into view.

It's so difficult to leave the mansion or any space on the big farm I've lived on since I was born, that I feel a huge fascination for the stone side of the city.

I've always loved nature with all my heart, but I found out in the worst way that purgatory is on earth, I stopped dreaming about princes and children running around the house full of dogs, accepting the punishments for the sins I've committed.

I observe people inside their little worlds closed in each car, some alone others accompanied, I get lost for some time when I see women answering the drivers, maybe they are lovers..

Women are born to serve, honey.

My mother's voice echoes, reverberating throughout my body as an order is like this, that we grow up, that's how we live.

Serve the family, serve parents, brothers and then husbands and sons teaching daughters how to serve the next generation to stay decent by raising women educated within our customs.

Be a good girl, no tattoos, no crying, no fuss.

The marks on my soul are my fault, for being born this way, a woman, a sinner.

If she was still here she would blame me for these thoughts, it's no use blaming without solving the problem, but what can I do when I'm the problem?

The once clear sky begins to be replaced by a gray environment due to the massive pollution of the city, the horns enter a competition as the highway reduces to a wide avenue, the fields gave way to buildings and the sidewalks crammed with people in a hurry. .

As much as I'm aware of what's needed, I'm not in a hurry to go back, I'm not in a hurry to reach my destination right now, the leather seat behind the tinted windows seems like the perfect place to be.

This trip towards the center of New York is a unique moment of freedom in months, my feelings twist turbulently inside my chest, reason mingling with emotion, my eyes burn.

It's been so many years and doubts still make a point of snaking through my head like the viper seduced Eve, we are the guilt of sin.

I suck in my breath keeping the tears from falling, when I'm to blame, I should have been a better daughter, a better sister. over my shoulders completing the debauchery.

I tried so hard to cover it all up, but it's no use hiding the evil amid prayers, no matter how many times I enter the church asking for forgiveness there is only one way to purge my sins.

I wake from my thoughts to the car door opening in front of a huge mirrored building with impressive glass doors, the sidewalk crammed with people in their paths with some stopping to watch the tall, blond man in a suit open the car door.

When they realize it's no celebrity, they look away and go back to their ways, I get out of the car walking into the building trying to formulate something coherent to speak, feeling the soldier's company following my steps.

He doesn't even let me talk to the nice girl who smiles when she sees me, he just puts himself in front of me going to talk about what we came here to do.

I don't even know why it bothers me so much, it's not his fault if the poor girl can get infected with me.

The elevator doors open, I enter obeying the waving soldier, I take a deep breath, taking advantage of the few minutes of difference within the rigid routine. The numbers keep increasing, I sighed realizing that no one will be able to use this elevator because I'm in it, no contact outside the protection bubble.

The elevator stops opening the metal doors, showing a wide space I am amazed at the size of the place not even my family's company has all that space, few people walk around the place, the glass walls show the full view from the top of several buildings of the city in a full display of power. Two men stopped in front of the security guard saying something under his breath which makes him look at me with fury, I cringe inwardly for fear of receiving some punishment without knowing what I did.

He beckons him to continue entering the office and stands next to the two men indicating the big door on the other side of the room, some secretaries open a smile waving making my cheeks blush, for the desire to have some friend.

Everyone seems engrossed in their own work, the double door seems like an enemy slammed with no answer, there should be a desk here, I look around at the computer on and the documents disorganized on the table. I knock harder on the door.

You may come in. - The loud voice seems muffled.

I open the door, entering with some fear, I stop as soon as I close the door regretting having come here.

I feel my cheeks burning at the sight of a redhead on her knees in front of the man sucking his cock with all her efforts I would even say proudly, they don't stop the act and I feel too embarrassed to say anything.

I let out a little cry, attracting their attention, regretting it at the same time, I turn my back trying to clear the sensation of the dark gaze from my mind.

Please Giacomo, finish what you're doing. - I say harshly, wanting to end it as soon as possible.

How can this man be sending roses every day, filling my house with my favorite flowers and being here making out with a woman who isn't even family. reason, no honorable man would wish to marry me.