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"I am the culprit"

I sit down at the table and smile. The atmosphere was elegant and calm, much better than I had imagined. There were only couples there, which made me take a deep breath. I had no idea if this discomfort would ever end, but I wished with all my strength that it would. I sighed and looked at the menu, then placed my order with the waiter.

My order arrives quickly and I thank him with a smile, smelling the delicious aroma that the food emanated. I crack a smile and eat a piece of that steak, which made me let out a moan of pleasure. It was one of the best things I had ever tasted. I hear a couple smiling a little ahead and I watch them carefully. They were looking at each other lovingly and chatting happily. The food goes down bitter and I take a sip of juice, looking away. Since when did I start envying the happiness of others?

The door of the restaurant opens and the noise sounds loud, making everyone look, including me. I see Joy enter the restaurant and he was hugging the same woman as last time. He apologizes to everyone and they both enter smiling, walking to a table. I get a fright and quickly duck down, wishing they wouldn't see me. Still crouching, I look around the restaurant and see them sitting a little ahead. They were smiling and looking at each other as if they had been a couple for years.

It was impossible to look away from that, even though it was making me bleed deeply. I could just see Joy and the way he looked at that woman. A woman who had not done a third of the things I had done, a woman who had given up nothing for him. I could see clearly now, nothing was real. If it had been, at least for a moment, he would not have replaced us so quickly. While I was broken and couldn't even get out of bed, he was happy.

"What are you doing?" A thick voice sounds behind me.

I look up quickly and see Mr. Parker, looking at me as if I were a crazy person. But him looking at me there gave it all away. I pull his arm quickly, making him crouch down with me. He looks at me surprised and confused.

"I'm just..." I try to explain and can't come up with a good excuse for the situation.

He gets serious and looks in the same direction I was looking, at Joy with his new girlfriend.

"Who is it?" He asks looking at me.

The look in his eyes bothered me, because it seemed as if he already knew everything.

"Nobody". Answering quickly, almost automatically.

He arched one eyebrow, as if he knew I was lying.

"Is that your husband?" He asks, still serious.

I bow my head and nod, letting out a long sigh.

"What do you want to do?" He asks and I look at him confused. "Do you want to get even?"

I look at him in surprise, but he seems serious. I remain silent and thoughtful.

"I just want to leave without being noticed". I give my answer with my head down, afraid that he will think I am weak.

He is quiet for a while and then takes my hand, making me stand up with him. He puts me in front of him and walks with me to the back of the restaurant. He was big, and thanks to my short stature, I was completely hidden.

"Thank you". I thank him and quickly walk away from him.

We were very close to each other and he held my hand the whole way. He remained serious and watching me intently. I put a wan smile on my face and bowed my head again.

"I'm coming". I speak and take a few steps.

"Enjoy your own company, so that you don't spend the rest of your days crying for someone who will never come back". He says, giving me pause.

I stare at him in surprise, feeling the weight of each of those words. He nods, as if to say goodbye, and goes back into the restaurant. I continue standing in the same place, not knowing which part of my body hurt more. The pain was immense and I refused to let the tears fall. I get out of there as soon as I start to feel my legs again and walk into a supermarket. I grab the first bottle of liquor I see and pay for it. I open it and take a sip of the drink, feeling it go down burning.

I walk to the sea and sit on the sand, far away from the people. I sit there drinking and the image of Joy playing over and over in my head. Why did I feel so stupid? I forgot about myself and dedicated my whole life to him. In the end, he is fine and I find myself drunk, on a deserted beach and feeling totally stupid. I bang my head over and over again, saying the worst adjectives I can think of right now. I finish the bottle and lie down on the sand, sighing loudly.

I lie there and soon I get the feeling that someone is watching me. As soon as I open my eyes I see my father, looking at me seriously. He was standing next to me and looking at me differently. He extends his hand and I accept it, so he stands me up. I can't walk by myself, so he puts me in his arms. I smell his scent and the tears start to fall quickly, making me sob.

"I'm sorry, Dad". I speak in the midst of crying.

"It's okay, daughter". He speaks with a calm voice.

He carefully puts me in the back seat of the car and then starts to drive. My eyes were heavy and I could no longer feel any part of my body. But the pain that I felt in my chest had not diminished for a minute. I touched my chest and cried harder, trying to get it all out. I just wanted to forget everything and stop feeling so much pain. I wanted to stop feeling guilty for my own unhappiness, but I couldn't convince myself otherwise. I am the guilty one.

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