Chapter 40.

"What did you expect Namjoon!" I yelled.

This is the first time I have ever shouted at anyone in a very long time. I have been shoving everything in. I didn't forget what happened to me. I just didn't see the need to keep punishing myself for the choices I made. I didn't want to lose my temper but he was pushing me. He was forcing me to revisit the past. Why? What did he think he would achieve?

" Avah!" He begged

" I don't want to hurt you Namjoon. I sincerely don't" I said tears filling my eyes.

I love you.

" I didn't know back then" he began

" You were tricked. Is that it?" I scoffed

" I'm sorry I trusted her words over yours. It's just that the evidence against you back then was too compelling for any of us to ignore"

" Who is us?" I said even though my mind and heart were screaming for me to say those forbidden words.

I love you.

" The other members, our managers and I"

"So everyone knew of how I stabbed you in the back?"

" We were notified together. I didn't know what I could do back then"

His eyes were begging me to understand him and understand his reasons.

" I understand why you behaved the way you did. If something like that happened to me I would have probably done the same. But Namjoon there's something called an investigation"

" I know I didn't investigate as much as I should have. It was a lack of judgment on my side" he agreed

How could I yell at him when he agreed with everything I was saying? This was going nowhere. It was only frustrating me.

I walked for a few paces before I stopped again. I wanted to let everything go. Let the sleeping bear rest, you know. I didn't want to say something I didn't mean and end up hurting him. I didn't want to regret anything.

" Avah!" He called

" Mmmh"

" I would like a chance for us to start over"

I froze. Excuse me, what the hell.

" Come again?" I asked

" I want us to start over. We were the perfect match and it took me losing you to understand that"

What was I supposed to do with this? What was I supposed to do with you Namjoon? I love you. I still love you, was what I wanted to tell you but I couldn't.

"No"

He fumbled in his step.

" What?" He asked in disbelief

" No. Namjoon " I insisted.

He watched me without saying a thing. I knew it was at the top of his tongue to ask why. He was stopping himself from asking but it was a losing battle.

" Why?" He finally asked.

" Because it will be a cycle of love and pain. You have your career to take care of. You can't be in a relationship, remember? And I can't be the woman in your life you have to sneak around to see" I explained

( I still love you)

" But, you knew this before we started the first time" he retorted

" The first time was a one-night stand that turned into a fling"

" A fling" he got irritated

" Yes, what else could I call it"

" But you said you loved me"

" I did" I took his hands in mine and faced him ( I love you)

" I do love you but I can't do it again. After what happened last time I finally understood the gravity of my relationship with you. I understood what you would have lost. I can't watch you lose your career because of me. I wouldn't forgive myself if such a thing happened" (I hope you know I'm doing all this because I love you)

" Love is the most important thing here. My relationship doesn't affect my career and you know it. So stop using it as an excuse"

" But so is respect and trust Namjoon. I learned you didn't trust me and that was not your fault. I will always be a suspect if anything happens to you. And I cannot live like that"

" Avah, I'm hurting so badly. I didn't know I loved you then but I do now"

My hand reached for his cheek. His eyes were glassy as if he would cry at any moment. It saddened me to see him. He deserved all the love in the world. He deserved the entire world. And one day he will get it but not from me. I will always be a fan and I should remain as such.

" You are not the only one who is hurting. But if we keep doing this we will both never heal. We are two very different people. From different worlds Namjoon "

" I want you in my world, I do"

" I would love the same but we have to be realistic. Our relationship would end in tears again.

" This time it will not"

Tears started streaming down my eyes as I watched him try to convince me to stay with him. My heart was aching. If only he knew that was all I have ever wanted. I wanted to be with him every minute of the day. Spend our days and nights together like normal couples. But Namjoon was not mine to begin with. He was never mine.

"It will. It always will. Our two worlds were not meant to collide but they did and these are the consequences"

"Avah" he began

" If we continue with this, it will hurt you. Hurt your career Namjoon. Why can't you see that I'm trying to help you!"

" I don't care" he growled " I want you with me"

" But I don't"

" You don't. Don't you love me anymore?" He whispered

I knew this was it. The moment I would have to put everything back where it belongs. He belonged in his world and I belonged in mine. I didn't want to be the cause of his pain or his downfall. ,

" I don't love you anymore," I said trying desperately to not look at him.

"What?" He stammered

" I don't love you like that anymore Namjoon. I don't trust you. I will never trust you enough to love you like that again. I'm sorry but we were never meant to be" I explained

My voice was steady but I was barely holding on. I was about to fall apart in front of him and then lose everything I'd been trying to protect. I was about to beg him to stay in my life.

" You don't mean that," he said in disbelief

" Yes I do, from the bottom of my heart, I do. We can't ever be anything other than friends"

" I don't want to be your friend. I know you're lying" he came toward me

His lips pressed on mine before I could even process what was happening. His soft lips on mine made me want to throw away all my words and beg him to love me. But I knew better. I had to be the rational one between us. I pushed him away and slapped him across the face.

He gently touched the cheek I clapped with disbelief written all over his face. He couldn't believe it.

" I'm sorry but you have to accept that we can never be and move on," I said before leaving him in the middle of the park.

" You had to do it Avah" I repeatedly told myself.

Anything to stop the tears from falling.

Avah: I am afraid I will love you forever and we will never be in the same room again.