10- Elemental angels

That evening in my apartment, after coming back from my first consultation with Dr. Mercedes Pulido, I took one of my favorite books by Octavio Paz and discovered that Paola was always a precipice. I couldn't help but being tied to the past forever because taking the mortal leap towards the present was constantly falling into her, a white hole filled with my eternity, nature, snow, fire, and wind. Existence, deceit, and contradiction. Passion unleashed in the desire to have her body back.

Letter to Paola:

Paola, my precipice, through her the universe rushes towards its ruin. Everything is present. And this totality is equivalent to "everything is empty." Indeed, Octavio Paz says:

"The horror not only manifests itself as a total presence, but also as an unheard-of absence in its existence: the ground sinks, forms crumble, the universe bleeds out. Everything rushes towards the white. There is an open mouth, a hole. Astonishment, stupefaction, joy, the range of sensations towards the other is very rich. But they all have this in common: the first movement of the soul is to step back. The other repels us: abyss, snake, delight, beautiful and atrocious monster. And this repulsion is followed by the opposite movement: we cannot take our eyes off the presence, we lean towards the depths of the precipice. Repulsion and fascination. And then, vertigo: to fall, to lose oneself, to become one with the other. To empty oneself. To be nothing: to be everything: to be. Gravity force of death, forgetting oneself, abdication and, simultaneously, instant realization that this strange presence is also us. That which repels me, attracts me. That other is also me. Fascination would be inexplicable if the horror of 'otherness' were not, from its root, tinged with the suspicion of our ultimate identity with that which seems so strange and foreign to us. Immobility is also a fall; the fall, ascent; presence, absence; fear, deep and invincible attraction. The experience of the other culminates in the experience of unity. The two contrary movements imply each other. In stepping back, the leap forward is already beating. Plunging into the other presents itself as a return to something from which we were torn. Duality ceases, we are on the other shore. We have taken the mortal leap. We have reconciled with ourselves."You're rushing to study me, Doctor. Honestly, deep down I suppose I have all the answers, I'm just an unsolvable puzzle.

You don't have all the answers, and having lost your object, you probably never will. The answers you seek are held by Paola - The doctor smiled and her forehead filled with fine wrinkles as she looked at me as if she had hit the nail on the head - That's why it's best not to ask yourself any more questions and redirect your energy towards another object, another person who can receive your love with joy.

Sometimes I feel like I need her, more than missing her, it's a need for her presence, for what she transmitted to me and filled me with life… - My gaze crossed with the doctor's and for a second I found comfort in the remnants of my being.

Freckles have always seemed special to me. - I closed my eyes and swallowed saliva. After a second of silence, I continued speaking - Unique and unrepeatable constellations, natural tattoos. And I have no more than 10 freckles that you can see at a glance, none near each other, my freckles don't tell stories together like a constellation… they don't charm or enamor, yet I have so many freckles throughout my skin. Paola had many, many freckles, I loved kissing them. Their shapes and different shades of dark chestnut mesmerized me. Sometimes lying down or looking at myself in the mirror, I have discovered new freckles, freckles on my body that Paola will never kiss, my whole life I carry it on my skin, and the new victories or scars I may have along the way she will be unaware of. So one day, I will be wrinkled and my eyes will shine with new experiences that I cannot imagine now. And Paola will only be a fragment, a millimeter of my skin, hiding some of my oldest freckles. That's it, my skin perfectly summarizes our story, and I carry it with me every day of my life. But there is one, one special freckle, right next to my heart. I touch it daily since I discovered it, out of fear that it will disappear, that it will slip away and get lost, out of the illusion of seeing her again and for her to kiss it without me asking. To that freckle, I owe my inspiration at three in the morning, my hope, my waking dreams, my laughter at the absurdity of remembering myself kissing her freckles, to that freckle, I owe my existence. It is a small freckle at the level of my heart, and it is filled with lost illusion.

You feel that way because your libido feeds off your personality, but you don't need her to exist at all. It seems to me that we should work on your grief and melancholy separately. I want to do a regression with you, well-worked hypnosis is the most effective way to find your accidents, your buried memories to let go of a loved one, to forgive yourself and heal that part of you that has been lost along with the energy of your loved one.

It sounds like you're going to erase her from my memories…

I won't erase her from your mind, but her memory won't be painful anymore or affect you to the point where you blame yourself for things that are directly caused by her personality and that you have absorbed, taking them as your own flaws. You will become exactly who you were before you met her, but with all the gained experience and without the feeling of pain, with fresh and new freckles. Hypnosis in cases of melancholy, trauma, and loss of a family member or loved one is the best.

I'll see you next week, okay?