12- This sweet noddle called love

I nodded dryly. "Vulnerable." I can't understand how foolish I was. A thousand years full of time and faith, if we couldn't love each other in all that time, then I had no arguments to love her in this life. Of course, I felt vulnerable when wanting Paola. But that was my secret, and by enduring it, I filled myself with strength. It was the strongest love I had ever felt in this life. She was my challenge to rise against adversities. The determination to not fall into pain again allowed me to overlook my vulnerability. For me, the demands that came with loving Paola had always been fortifying. The only thing the doctor knew was that loving her made me vulnerable, but she didn't know how much I tried not to be vulnerable and became strong for her.

"You have no idea, Doctor… it was so powerful that we could cause explosions. And just by touching her, my skin would start to sparkle and my hair would glow, filling my soul with light." I nervously bit my lip. I couldn't tell anyone about that, they would surely think I was crazy if I said that Paola was a star. "Yes, Doctor, you see, she used to shine and float in the sky, and so did I…" Thinking of Paola made me nervous. I remembered my head falling on her shoulders, her hands burning and provoking exhilaration. Her mouth exploring my body, nearly fainting, her gaze finding all the darkness in my soul and illuminating it, igniting it, burning it with her love and torment. My heart wounded by her, my captive soul flowed into her hands and her laughter, getting lost in her moments, her experiences, in her. "Paola and I, I and Paola, no mysteries, just light."

And when situations of such strong energy occur, it is because the choice of object had a narcissistic effect. So, your object's charge, being narcissistic, can only displace your libido through substitution. I'm not saying that you are narcissistic, nor that Paola is. That's another pathology and generally originates from childhood and lack of attention. From what you're telling me, the attention you gave her was reciprocated, and instead of establishing narcissistic behavior, it formed stronger bonds between you. You excessively strengthened the libido.

"So, what narcissism are you talking about?"

I'm talking about the narcissism described by thinker Simone de Beauvoir, in which many women exalt their feminine archetype through the beloved person.

"Are you telling me, Doctor, that I chose to fall in love with Paola only out of vanity? Because of her physical appearance?" I arched an eyebrow. "I don't follow…"

"No, you're not understanding me. You simply based it on primitive narcissism. Maybe there was something about her that you admired greatly, or maybe many things about her that you admired. And you saw them as potential traits within yourself." She explained. "We must search for an object at the preliminary stage to choose a substitute and incorporate your libido into it so that it doesn't devour your self, but the relationship you establish with your new object, which will have a predisposition to feed off your energy, allowing you to love and love yourself."

"I understand everything you're saying, and it makes a lot of sense. Someone who resembles her. Well, Mel doesn't physically resemble her, at least not entirely, but there are traits of her personality that constantly remind me of her. Isn't that worse? You can't assume that the charge of my object can be transferred to another object just because it's a narcissistic fixation. It has nothing to do with her physical appearance."

"But within the narcissistic identification, you don't have to maintain the charge of the object solely based on its physical appearance. It can be limited effects that she made you feel, like those typical butterflies in your stomach or certain actions or qualities that you admired in her. Her way of functioning, her thoughts. Think, Anastasia, what made you recognize Paola as your equal? How did she become your soulmate?" As I heard Dr. Pulido say "soulmate," I felt a kick in my stomach and my eyes burned. I blinked, hiding my desire to cry as much as possible.

"Maybe there was an energy emanating from both our bodies, and establishing it again with Melissa could be an initial solution."

"Oh, Doctor! There are other things that matter besides attraction."

It has been proven, Anastasia, that people tend to look for partners with similar physical traits in their next relationship after a divorce. Why? Because detachment is difficult, but it helps. A glimmer of joy rejuvenated her face. Knowledge seemed to inject life into her.

"With all due respect, that is completely absurd. I don't think that the way to forget Paola is by transferring my libido to someone else," I said. She looked at me sweetly. "That would be impossible to replace," I thought.

It is absurd, of course it is, if it didn't work with one person, what makes you think it will work with someone who has similar physical traits? But cognitive memory, that is, the immune system of thought, works like that. It recognizes what is good by associating it with what is safe.t's not easy. And you have to know that. But it's not impossible, once you yourself want to heal, that is, free yourself from their libido, everything will be easier. It's like quitting smoking, the first step is the commitment to want to quit. It's evident that there was a strong fixation with the loved object, and also a lack of resistance energy, which is why the energy channeled inwardly.

What do you mean by lack of resistance?

That perhaps for such a strong connection, you were very vulnerable. You weren't prepared. You see, it's counterproductive to put all your eggs in one basket.t's not easy. And you have to know that. But it's not impossible, once you yourself want to heal, that is, free yourself from their libido, everything will be easier. It's like quitting smoking, the first step is the commitment to want to quit. It's evident that there was a strong fixation with the loved object, and also a lack of resistance energy, which is why the energy channeled inwardly.

What do you mean by lack of resistance?

That perhaps for such a strong connection, you were very vulnerable. You weren't prepared. You see, it's counterproductive to put all your eggs in one basket.