Chapter 3: It Hurts

Chapter three: It Hurts

Camilla

Robin wasn't my first boyfriend but he was the first man that I ever had sex with. He took my virginity and I didn't have any regrets about that. I guess I have always been the one invested more in a relationship than my partners.

I mistook his toxic and manipulative behavior as being loving and protective. It was crazy how in a matter of an hour I went from defending him in front of Susan to packing my things in hopes of never seeing him again. I am done letting others push me around and break me down into nothing.

The seconds his grip on my waist loosened, I used the opportunity to twist my body and freed myself from his grip, creating a distance between us. I brought my knee up and connected it with his crotch, goodness, that really felt good.

He grimaced in pain but I am not finished yet. Not giving him a chance to recover from the first kick, I swing my left fist, heading directly towards the side of his jaw.

"You fúcking bitch!" He choked out, dropping to his knees.

Trying my best to ignore the strong feeling of pain jolting through my hand, I tightened my grip on the handle of my suitcase and ran out of the house. Spotting my car in the same place I left, I tried turning on the ignition but eventually after so many times of trying, it actually worked. I drove off, catching a glimpse of Robin from my side mirror.

"Gosh!" I breathed out loud, physically feeling my heart pounding in my chest.

I can't believe I just did that, a large smile spread across my features and my hands slightly shaking from the adrenaline still rushing through my body.

I felt like this is one of those life changing moments that is either going to lead to something really great or horrible. I have no clue where I am going or how the hell I am going to survive on my own but at this point none of that matters. Anything that is better than staying from that asshole, I am welcoming it.

Knowing a hotel would be the best option for me now until I found a place of my own, l pulled out of the road scrolling on my phone to find the nearest and cheapest hotel close by.

As an event planner, it wasn't that easy to get a client as so many people were in the system and to make matters worse, I am new in the city and now that I am living on my own, I am going to need as many projects as I can get to keep me going.

For the rest of the day, I found myself walking around the city, busying myself with something, going to some shopping malls just to kill time without buying anything and distributing my business cards with hope of getting a client.

Thankfully, my afternoon managed to pass by smoothly and I was able to give out some cards. Hopefully I will get a client. I took advantage of as many distractions as I could in an attempt to resist the impending urge to break down into tears. I knew Robin was really bad for me but unfortunately that realization doesn't make the ache in my heart any easier.

Finally, I got a hotel that was within my range, I parked in their lobby, struggling to contain what I have tried so hard to push down all day, pure and utter sadness. I knew the second I walked behind the closed door of the hotel room, I would lose my composure and I can't avoid my emotions anymore.

Going into the building, I walked towards the front desk to meet the receptionist.

"Greetings Miss, how can I help you?"

"I need a room."

She went back to her computer, telling me the single room that is available and I paid for it.

I walked into the elevator, heading up to the second floor with my key and suitcase in my hand. I walked down the narrow hallway, looking at each door I passed. Finally I finally found the number of the room that was tagged in my key card.

Knowing that I couldn't hold my emotions any longer, I opened the door that took me into a small but suitable room. I placed my bag down and walked over to sit on the comfortable bed. For the first time today, I am forced to listen to my intruding thoughts.

"I am fine." I told myself, letting out a heavy breath.

I tried my best to shove down the tight feeling that was already threatening to appear in my chest but it became hard to breathe, like really hard. I wasn't cold but my body soon became a shaking disaster as harsh emotions took over my body.

I let out quick, shallow breaths and wrapped my arms tightly around each other as if I were hugging myself. My mind goes completely blank and soon is the fact that I am completely and utterly alone. Robin was right, I have no one. Those thoughts consumed me and played in a continuous loop in my head over and over. I am reminded that no matter what I do and how hard I try to make myself into someone who is lovable, no now would ever love me and stay with me forever.

At this I am having a panic attack but I can't do anything to stop it as waves upon wave of emotions crash through me. I pressed my lips tightly together but I couldn't contain the uncontrollably sobs from escaping. I don't really want to wake the person next door but it is nearly impossible to calm myself down at this point.

I closed my eyes, trying my best to focus on taking deep breaths just as my father taught me, I counted from one to three and inhaled air through my nose. I repeated the exercise multiple times, breathing in and out.

I forced myself to focus on steadying my racing heart but it hurts. It hurts so bad, even as my body begins to calm, I still find myself in pain. I could feel the tears on my face that I didn't wipe off and the thin line of sweat that had formed along my forehead. I just realized how tight I was gripping onto my arms and when I loosen it, I see half moon indents lining my skin. Gosh, I didn't even feel myself doing that.

The last time I had a panic attack was one year ago when my father went missing. I thought I had everything under control but I guess not. Laying back on the bed, I felt myself slowly came down from the attack. The tightness in my chest dissolved and I let out a long sigh. Moving under the warmth of the covers, I ignored the fact that the lights were still on, nothing having the energy to turn them off. All I needed now was to sleep.

I am fine, I am going to be fine. Tomorrow is going to be a better day and things will get easier, they have to. There is always a light at the end of a tunnel.