Chapter four: I Hated Being Weak

Chapter four: I Hated Being Weak

Camilla

I couldn't fall asleep, I hadn't been able to sleep for the last three days in this isolated hotel room. For the past two hours, I have been switching between laying on my right side, only to roll onto my left a second later. My mind simply wouldn't shut off and the relentless headache I am experiencing right now is a constant reminder of the cause of my tears.

I hated crying, it makes me feel weak and vulnerable. Because of this, I have learned that hiding behind a mask is my easiest form of survival. I smiled through the silent pain, I cried behind the closed doors and I continued to fight off the countless battles that rage inside my head. People have seen me angry and people have seen me scared but the one thing I refused to let them see is how truly broken I am on the inside.

I bottled up my emotions and replaced it with internal hatred to mask the fact that I am hurting. I hate my body, I hate how weak I am even though I tried so hard to be anything but I hate Robin for what he did to me. I hate myself even more for letting him use me. I hated everyone when all I have ever wanted is to love and be loved in return.

I continued tossing and turning in my bed and eventually gave up on my attempt to sleep for the third night in a row. I am exhausted and slightly dizzy but no matter what I do, I can't seem to calm my restless mind.

Swinging my feet over the edge of the bed, I grabbed a black hair elastic from my bedside table. Tying to tie my hair up into a ponytail, it ended up turning into a pathetic excuse for a bun. Great, I can't even do that right. I guess what I need is some fresh air.

Opening my bag, I confront the disaster I know awaits me. I haven't found the motivation to organize any of my clothes yet. So for now, my belongings lay in a messy, wrinkled pile.

I pulled out the box of my business cards and set it beside me before scavenging through the mess in hope of finding something warm to wear. Settling on my fleece lined hoodie, I slip it on and instantly find comfort in the soft material.

Walking into the bathroom, I caught my reflection in the mirror and I looked like an absolute train wreck. I am emotionally spent from the breakup and my lack of sleep is shown very clearly on my face. I just looked sick. Dark bags hang under my eyes that are dulled in comparison to their usual vibrant color. Gosh, I looked like my alcoholic mother and that though alone was enough to terrify me.

Thankfully, on the side of the marble counter is a beautiful kit provided by the hotel, inclusive makeup wipes. I picked it up and cleaned my face with it, removing some of the makeup that has scattered all over my face. Afterwards, I managed to make myself look slightly more presentable but only a shower and a solid night rest will be able to fix this. Well for now, I have to make use of it cause I am not ready to shower now, not in the mood.

Exiting the bathroom, I grabbed my phone and earpiece from the nightside table, placing them in my pocket for safe keeping. I double checked to make sure that my room key was in my pocket, I walked out of the room and automatically shut the door behind me.

I took the elevator down to the quiet abandoned lobby where the faint smell of chlorine lingers in the air from the pool nearby. Heading towards the exit, I put on one of my earpods, making sure to leave the other in case of necessity. It can never hurt to be too safe.

Stepping outside, a cool breath of fresh air instantly fills my lungs and I find myself relaxing for the first time in three days. This is exactly what I needed. Not feeling comfortable to stay away from the safety of the building, I settled on leaning my body against the rough wall, directly to the left of the entryway.

I turned on my phone for the first time since I came to this hotel. I have decided to stop being a coward and face the situation I find myself in. I am sure I have a lot of messages from Robin but to my greatest surprise, there is only one text from him.

'You are going to regret leaving me.'

What the hell! I scoffed and deleted his contact from my phone. I know it is going to take me a lot of time to recover from him but I figured out that this was the first step in the healing process.

I switched on my music to keep my mind from wandering, trying to find a good song to match my mood. My concentration however was cut off by the sharp sound of a woman's scream piercing the air. Shít, where did that come from?

"Please no!" I heard that voice again.

Moving from my spot on the wall, I run towards the direction of the voice, my heart thumping with every step I take. Carrying my body as quickly as I can, I stopped myself at the corner of the building that connects to the back wall. Then the cries are louder now and I know that people are on the other side but what caused me to hesitate was that the once female voices that I heard were now sounding like they were coming from a man's mouth.

"Please don't kill me. It is not what it looks like, I swear." I heard again.

Quickly and silently, I moved so that my body was covered by a large metal dumpster that provided a clear view to the unexpected scene before me.

A small blonde hair woman who looks similar to my age was sitting on the ground with her knees tucked tightly to her chest. She was shaking but I can't tell whether it is out of fear or the fact that she only has a tank top and a pair of sleep shorts on to keep her warm.

That wasn't the surprising thing though, what surprised one were the three large men who stood over a much smaller man. The three of them had a black ski mask on to hide their faces and one of them also had a gun.

With a slight nod of the one that holds up the gun, the two other men suddenly started kicking the helpless man on the ground repeatedly.

Over and over again, the man cried out or groaned with each impact, trying to shield himself from his attackers but he was too weak to fight back and too slow to get up and run. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest and I wondered why they couldn't hear the sound of it. They continue their assault until the man becomes unmoving and now unrecognizable from the blood and bruises covering his face.

I needed to call for help, I could feel the heavy weight of my phone in my pocket but I was completely frozen in place. I just stayed there, crouched and hidden while I watched the life of another being beaten out of him. After what seemed like forever, the two men finally stopped the assault and then the largest of the three stepped forward.

"No! No, please don't do this!" The man begs as he suddenly becomes frantic.

The man lifted his gun so that it rested on the middle of the one on the floor forehead. He just holds it there for a moment, allowing the fear of death to accumulate within the man on the ground.

"Hey," the lady speaks for the first time since I showed up.

"Don't feel like you have to do this, I am fine if you just want to leave. He has more than learned his lesson."

The one holding the gun moved his head towards the lady, mumbling something too but his voice was so deep and low that I wasn't unable to make out what he was telling her. The lady just looked and his attention was redirected back to the man sobbing on the ground.

I really should be doing something to stop this, anything other than just standing here but I didn't. I shifted my body slightly and realized that I am now able to move yet still, I did nothing to help this man.

For some reason, a dark side of me that I didn't even know existed was more than okay with the thought of him dying. It didn't take a genius to guess what his intentions were and for that reason, I kept quiet. No explanation can justify taking advantage of another person, so despite the fact that I am now able to move, I didn't call for help.