Chapter 5
Madison Conner.
08:40- College. -Classroom - USA - Washington.
Walking into the classroom, I calmly went to my seat, placed my book bag on my desk, sat down, took out my usual notebook, and grabbed my pen.
Okay, let's see what the door represented to me.
I wrote the title in my notebook as: what it represents.
I started writing down what came to mind.
The picture made me want to open that door and be free, but something was holding me back from having the courage to open it. It represented indecision, confusion, insecurity and fear.
I was afraid that if I opened the door it wouldn't be what I had always imagined it would be, I was afraid of the unknown; the chains around my neck prevented me from moving forward, and I didn't know if I would have the courage to break those chains and open that door.
This door might look beautiful on the outside, but inside hidden darkness and pain, and no one can help it. Sometimes I asked myself, would I still have the courage? What will it look like outside the door? Will it be like I imagined? Will it be free?
I didn't have the answer yet, so I had to free myself from the chains around my neck. I felt that the closer I got to freedom, the more chains would wrap around me and pull me further into that door.
I stopped my pen to catch my breath because this is where I might start to cry when I put all my feelings down on this piece of paper. I hoped my teacher wouldn't ask me why, I was feeling more and more vulnerable by the day.
"Good morning, class." I was startled by the teacher's voice walking into the classroom.
Shit, I hadn't finished my summary.
"Students who are ready to summarize, come over here and hand me your summaries, then quietly return to your seats."
All the students started to get up, and I rushed back to focus on my summary and tried to write down some more stuff while the students were handing it in.
Shit! Shit! Shit! There was no time, I didn't dare to turn it in later because I would get their attention and I didn't want that.
"Is there anyone else?" I looked at her in despair when I saw all my classmates had already turned in theirs.
Haley picked up my summary and raised her hand, which surprised me.
"Teacher, I haven't turned mine in yet." She stood up and walked towards the teacher.
"Here." She handed over both my summary and hers.
I looked at her in surprise, and she sat back beside me.
"You're welcome. " She said without looking at me.
I looked straight ahead again, a feeling of guilt consuming me.
Why was she always like this? When I tried to push her away, she kept trying. I wanted to be friends with her, I really did. But unfortunately, I can't.
"Why? Why are you trying to help me? "
She looked at me and sighed.
"I couldn't stand by and watch you despair, so I decided to help you. "
"Why? I treated you badly, why did you come to me? "
She shrugged her shoulders and didn't answer me at all.
Not getting the answer I wanted, I was very frustrated.
Class was over and my classmates started to get up to go to lunch, I ran my hands through my hair, I wanted to tie it up but I didn't like the feeling of my hair showing. My father always hung me up, so I was starting to dread letting my neck show.
"Aren't you going to eat?"
I turned my head to look at her, and she was staring at me intently, her expression embarrassing me.
"I don't have any money."
She nodded and got up to leave the classroom.
Seeing that no one else was in the classroom, I hurriedly put my hair up and sighed as I felt the wind from the fan hit the back of my neck.
Ah, this was nice.
I put my forehead on the desk and felt the wind on my neck.
"Why don't you tie your hair up if it's hot?" I almost screamed at her appearance.
Holy shit! Was today the day to scare me?
I let my hair down and realized she was carrying a bag.
"I like it." She didn't say another word and placed the bag on her desk.
My eyes widened as she placed two hamburgers and a coke before me.
"I can't accept that I don't have the money to pay you back, Hailey."
I was desperate because I really didn't have any money.
She grunted and sat back in her seat.
"I don't want you to pay me back ." She turned to me.
"Madison, when someone voluntarily gives you something, don't question it. I don't want anything, now eat."
She started eating her burger, ignoring me completely.
I looked at the burger, smelling it and feeling my stomach growl.
"Do you want me to feed you? " She asked with a mischievous grin.
"I can eat it myself! "
I took the burger and took a bite, making her laugh.
"Great, I thought I was going to have to feed it to you. I admit I wouldn't mind. " I decided to turn a blind eye.
I almost cried when I ate something so delicious, it was the first time I'd ever eaten anything like that.
"Thanks. " I thanked without looking at her.
I tried not to eat the two hamburgers in such a hurry, but I didn't want her to get suspicious.
"How old are you? " she asked suddenly.
"I'm twenty." I bit my lip.
"And you?" I decided to ask out of curiosity, not because I wanted to talk to her, but out of curiosity.
"I'm twenty-three." She replied and then took a sip of her soft drink.
"You look twenty-five."
She smiled, making me think she was surprised.
"Sorry."
"A lot of people have said that to me, you're not the only one. There's no need to apologize."
Silence returned between us, and I finished my hamburger and drank my soda.
"You still don't want to be my friend? "
I stared back at her.
I really wanted to be friends with you, Hailey. I didn't want to always be cold because that's not who I was. I'm a hurt person and wanted to be loved, but I still didn't want to hurt you or make you suffer because of me. My father was a dangerous man, and he knew a lot of bad people who would destroy you and your husband. I didn't want that.
"Are you crying?" She asked worriedly.
"What? What? I'm not crying!" I hurriedly wiped away my tears.
"I'm so sorry, but I can't be your friend. " I felt my tears flow again.
I quickly crossed over to her and ran down the hallway without looking back, ignoring the pain in my body, and left the school. I began to feel the rain beating down on me and continued to run, ignoring everything around me, not stopping until my legs gave out and I fell to my knees. The rain got heavier and heavier, and it started to pour all over the city, leaving me alone in the middle of the sidewalk.
Why can't I be happy? Why can't I die? Why?
I began to cry, my cries drowned out by the rain.
"I-I just want to be happy" ...... " I whispered to myself.
I didn't know how long I had been on my knees on the ground, but I decided to get up and continue towards the place where I felt my body was locked up.
I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again, was that too much to ask?
I didn't know why, but I soon reached the house. Perhaps I was so mentally exhausted that I didn't even realize I had walked so far. I walked into the house, not seeing my father, I walked towards the stairs to my room, locking the door as soon as I entered, and I slid to the floor.
I lifted my knees up to my chin and began to cry silently again. I choked back sobs, and the sound of the rain comforted me slightly.
I cried so much that I began to feel sleepy, I closed my eyes and eventually fell asleep on the floor of my room.