Nine

CHAPTER 9

J O E L

Talking through my front door, I flicked on the living room light and kicked off my gym shoes. I’d hit the weights extra hard that evening, as well as running a couple extra miles on the treadmill.

And yet I wasn’t half as beat as I wanted to be. Sure, my body was tired. But my mind still raced.

I shouldn’t have canceled on Katie. I should call her up… No, I can’t do that. This is the right thing. She’ll expect more from me if we keep seeing each other… I’ll want more from her.

That last thought was the kicker, and it had me taking a seat in my armchair and dropping my face into my hands.

I’d made the right choice. I had been getting too attached to Katie. It was best that I extricate myself from the situation before things went too far.

Blowing out a breath, I stood. If I was bored or lonely, there were other women I could call.

The thought of them made me cringe. Compared to Katie, every other woman I’d ever met fell painfully short. I wanted to be with her, next to her. Talking to her.

We could be at the movies right then, laughing together and sharing a bucket of popcorn.

But I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that. Someone calling us a couple at salsa had freaked me out.

It seemed a cruel twist of fate, that I should meet her. I’d been fine on my own. Maybe not great, but satisfied enough.

With a frustrated growl, I stalked for the bathroom. After tossing my dirty gym clothes in the hamper, I turned the shower on as cold as I could take it.

The shock of the icy water distracted me a bit. It kept me focused on what was happening in the here and now. I almost didn’t hear the knocking sound.

Turning off the shower, I cocked my head and listened again. Someone was knocking on the front door.

Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around my waist and padded through the house. Who would be knocking at this hour?

My heart skipped a beat. What if it was Katie?

I had to suppress a moan. If she were at my door, I wouldn’t be able to turn her away.

“Hello?” I called.

“Joel,” a voice said back. “It’s Daniel!”

I frowned in confusion. Daniel? What was he doing here? My brother lived a good hour away, in Covina.

I opened up. “You okay?”

My brother stood on the front stoop, his brown hair curling against his neck and a leather jacket on. He looked tired, with bags under his eyes and a strained expression.

“I called,” he said. “But you didn’t answer your phone.”

I didn’t even know where my phone was. I’d been actively avoiding it all night, in case I couldn’t ignore the urge to text Katie.

Which was probably a bad idea, in case the clinic needed to get a hold of me.

“I didn’t see any calls,” I said.

Daniel walked right into the house. “Were you taking a shower? Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” I wiped dripping water from my face. I’d probably gotten the whole hallway and living room wet. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you.”

I closed the door behind him. “This isn’t really a good time.”

“It’s never a good time with you.” Daniel looked genuinely hurt, and I couldn’t blame him. He was right.

I had separated myself from everything having to do with my childhood. Things were better that way. Why he always insisted on trying to get close, I didn’t know.

My brother was a decent person, and I cared about him. But every time I saw him, it was like I was eight years old again. I couldn’t help it.

“Have a seat.” I gestured at the couch. “I just need to get dressed. I’ll be right back.”

I grabbed my gym bag and headed to my room. Unannounced guests were one of my pet peeves, but I wasn’t about to turn my brother away.

As I dropped my gym back on the bedroom floor, the top flap opened, revealing my phone. I hesitated.

Thought about it. Then picked it up.

There were no messages. Katie hadn’t gotten in touch.

My insides went cold, but I knew it was for the better. We should have never tried the friends thing in the first place.

“Do you have any coffee?” Daniel called down the hallway.

His question was followed by the banging of kitchen cupboards.

I squinched my eyes closed. Really? Now he was going through my house?

With a sigh, I plugged my phone in to charge, got dressed, and walked into the kitchen.

“It’s right there.” I pointed at the ceramic container next to the coffee pot. “Oh. Right under my nose.”

I crossed over to the counter and measured some beans into the coffee maker. “I’ll never understand how you can drink this at night and still sleep.”

“It relaxes me.” He leaned against the counter and watched me. “Thanks for opening your door.”

I tensed, my hand on the sink’s faucet. “Why would I not?”

He gazed evenly at me. “Because you have your own life going on.”

I filled up the coffee pot with water then poured that into the top of the machine. “That doesn’t mean that I would leave you on the front stoop.”

“But it does mean that you’ll never call me.”

This again? “Like you just said, I have my own life. My career is pretty consuming.”

Daniel hung his head, and I instantly felt awful. Moments like these, I was painfully reminded that he was still my baby brother. I had the power to crush him or build him up.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I haven’t wanted to be so… distant.” “I haven’t seen you since Dad died.”

My throat tightened. “Yeah,” I rasped. “Is that an accusation?” “Just a statement.”

I rubbed my face. “Why do you even still live in Covina?” “I like it.”

I guffawed. “You like being reminded of…” I trailed off.

I couldn’t even say it. A mother who drank herself to death while we were in middle school. A father who never showed one ounce of affection, who pushed and bullied me into being successful while completely ignoring Daniel.

Covina held nothing but demons. I was happy to not be there anymore. “Do you ever miss him?” Daniel asked.

It had been three months since our father died of a heart attack. I didn’t even have to think about the answer.

“No. Why would I?”

“Because even though he was a terrible father, he was still our father. He had things we wanted.”

“Yeah, things he never gave.” I was tired of this conversation. “I assume you’re staying the night. You know where the guest room is. There are fresh towels in the bathroom.”

I turned away, ready to get into bed myself and crash. “Thanks. And actually…”

I looked over my shoulder and waited. The gurgling of the coffee pot filled the space between us.

Daniel cleared his throat. “I was hoping that I could stay longer than a night.” I blinked. “How much longer?”

When he didn’t answer right away, I walked back to him. “Daniel. What’s going on?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, not meeting my eyes. “It’s not a big deal, man. I don’t have much in Covina for me right now.”

I folded my arms. “You just said that you like it there.”

He winced. “I lost my job, okay? And I can’t keep up with the rent payments.”

I closed my eyes and bowed my head. I should have suspected something like this.

While Daniel genuinely liked seeing me, he also had a tendency to stray off track. Specifically, he had trouble keeping jobs.

“What is this?” I opened my eyes. “The tenth one in a row?”

His eyebrows knit together. “I walked away from the tire shop. That place was no good.”

Of course it wasn’t. They never were. My brother was always aimlessly wandering around, looking for the job or career that would finally do it for him.

“You need somewhere to stay,” I said. “Long-term.”

“Not long-term. Just until, you know, I find a job and a place.” “In the city?”

“I… don’t know about that yet.”

I bit down on my bottom lip. This could all have been avoided if only my father hadn’t been so cruel. Instead of leaving the house to Daniel and myself, he had left it to a business partner. A man I’d never even met, but who I’d glimpsed during the twenty minutes I attended Dad's funeral.

It wasn’t the first time I blamed something bad in our lives on our father. But I also knew I wasn’t wrong.

As kids, all of my dad’s energy had been funneled into me. He must have seen me as some sort of extension of himself, because he relied on my success like it was air. My grades had to be perfect. My extracurriculars the best. My college applications pristine.

Amongst it all, Daniel had been left behind. No guidance. No support. Nothing.

Not that I had ever wished my experience on him. Every day of my adolescence, I’d been pushed to nearly the breaking point. The only thing that stopped me was a growing desire to show my father that I wasn’t weak, that I

was incapable of breaking. That I was better than him. Not that it ever worked. My dad saw what he wanted to.

Which was funny, because even when I became a transplant surgeon, he didn’t seem happy with me. It took me a while to realize the old man was never happy, no matter what happened. He’d probably started his life that way.

He’d certainly died that way.

So if Daniel had some trouble navigating life, as annoying as it was, I couldn’t entirely blame him. In fact, I blamed myself a little bit. I could have been there for him when we were young, but I was too busy trying to prove myself and live up to the unreasonable expectations.

I sighed. “You’re welcome here… for as long as you want.” He looked surprised. “Really?”

“Yes.” My throat tightened. “Really.” “I’m sorry, Joel.”

“For what?”

“For…” He averted his eyes. “For being this way.”

It felt like there was a fist twisting in my chest. “It’s okay. I’m going to bed. See you in the morning.”

In my room, I crashed onto the mattress and stared up at the ceiling. It wouldn’t be too much of a bother having Daniel here. I wasn’t around much anyway, since when I wasn’t working I was at the gym or out doing something—anything.

Rolling onto my side, I stared at my phone. Maybe it was time to put some effort into our relationship. I’d spent too many years trying to distance myself from my brother.

He deserved more than that, and when it came down to it, he was the only person I had. Our dad’s death could open things up. We were finally free to live our own lives.

At least, theoretically.

So why didn’t I feel that way? Why did it always feel like I was running as fast as I could and never getting anywhere?

My throat went dry, and I rolled away from my phone and faced the opposite wall. It was going to be a long night.