03

– So Igor, what do you work on? – My mother asked, directly and quickly.

– D. Betânia, I work... – he stopped when he saw my mother’s face. He looked at me confused and I wondered why he didn't look at Ceci, but I tried to let it go.

– She doesn’t like Bethany, if you want, call her Aunt Betty. Never Bethany. – I explained.

• Oh sorry.

• All good. – My mother smiled, looking more and more delighted.

– Well... I work at the planetarium in the city center, part time. From 10 to 6 and then I have college. But I'm on vacation and everything. I got the job because my aunt is an astronomer, she used to work there and found a job for me.

• Serious? Wow, that's great. Live with your parents?

– No... I have my own apartment.

• So young?

– When my grandfather died, I was 16 years old, he left me a lot of money. At that time, my parents had already emancipated me because… they thought I was mature enough. – I looked at him curiously, not knowing this detail about his family. He never talked about his parents, or anything similar. – The money was just enough to buy me a house and pay for my Astronomy college. With my job, I paid for a car for myself.

– You seem like a determined boy. Unlike my daughter, Maria de Lourdes.

– Malu, mother. My name is Malu. – I stirred my rice with my fork nervously, already anticipating disaster.

– I don’t know why you won’t let me call you by your real name, Maria de Lourdes. It's such a beautiful name.

– Please, mom. Malu, you know that. – I controlled the urge to grit my teeth and cross my arms in irritation. – You’ve gotten used to it.

– Malu is like that, the only thing he knows about life is that he hates his own name. – My mother commented addressing Igor. Okay, it's started, I thought. My mother was indignant because I didn't choose which college to go to and because I wasn't interested in any course, other than the English course that I had finished a while ago. It wasn't my fault that I hadn't discovered my calling yet, man. I didn't worry so much because I had time to think. And it wasn't my fault if no profession fit my current profile.

– Mom... I know what I’m going to do in life. Faculty.

– But you don’t know what.

– I have time to decide. We've already talked about this. – I looked at her, hoping she would realize that this was not the time to listen to her sermons. She looked back at Igor and smiled.

– Faculty of Astronomy? How different.

– Not so much… – he smiled and looked at me, I looked away. Angry with my mother, who drooled over Igor, with Cecília, for showing him off so proudly, with Karol, for looking sweetly at him and being receptive. Anger at me for... For so many things! And anger at him, mainly and entirely at him. I felt hatred boiling inside me, mixed with the whirlwind of feelings and thoughts that was my head. My stomach was churning and finishing my mother's mayonnaise salad became impossible. – I really like stars.

– You could take me to the planetarium. – Karol intervened in the conversation; ignoring the tense atmosphere between me and my mother like a typical 5 year old, trying to get rid of the vegetables. – I like stars too.

– We could all go, who knows… – he smiled at Karol, charismatic. I rolled my eyes, drinking a glass of soda and trying my best not to look in that direction, or simply stick a fork in my forehead. Nobody realized how unpleasant this was. What the hell!

• Look great. How about tomorrow?

• Not tomorrow. – Unable to contain myself, I opened my mouth. I cursed under my breath when everyone looked at me. Unfortunately, my mother came with the most difficult question:

• Why? – I searched my mind for some good excuse. Unfortunately I was a terrible liar.

– Well... It's just... I'm going out. – I smiled, proud of my big apology.

– To the beach? – Ceci stepped in and looked at me with a sarcastic look. – You go to the beach every day.

– I'm not going to the beach tomorrow. I'm going somewhere else.

– What other place? As far as I know, all her ‘friends’ traveled and Alexandre did too.

– I don’t just know them. – I couldn't lie, so I just kept doing these evasions.

• You are going. – My mother said smiling, but I knew she would be threatened later. I gave her a nice frown, which she placidly ignored.

– We can go another day. – Igor tried to calm things down. I looked at Igor trying to understand what his problem was. – There’s no problem there.

• After tomorrow! – Ceci said excitedly. I felt like disappearing. I didn't answer anything, and they started talking again. Subject? Beach. I? Martyrdom.

– What do you do in good time?

– Huh... I surf.

• Surfing?

– They start.

– Do you surf to stay in shape?

– No. Not really. When I started surfing I was very skinny and I hated the gym, I always found it boring. But I liked sports a little, but I wasn't very good at it. But I love the sea, I found the perfect solution. I learned to surf. Keeping fit is just a bonus.

– You must have a lot of girls all over you.

• No no.

– As there are liars in this world, you see... – I said softly. A few pairs of eyes turned to me.

– Did you say something?

• No of course not! – I blushed and he smiled sadly. The conversation returned, my mother seemed definitely won over. I was already tired of it. I woke up.

• Excuse me. I am going to sleep.

• Already? But we're going to watch a movie.

– I rented a beautiful novel, daughter. You would love it. – he laughs ironically. I didn't like romance, only when I felt like crying. And even more so, watch the film with these two? There were too many jokes for one night alone.

– I prefer to sleep. My head feels like it's going to explode and everything. Good night to you;

• Goodnight. – Igor's voice was whispered, like before. I even caught a glimpse of his smile fading away. Two little holes in the corners of his cheeks when he smiled widely. I turned away, without looking in his direction, feeling my heart suffocate in my own hot blood. I ran up the stairs and locked the bedroom door. I was hyperaware of my head pounding, still feeling the adrenaline pumping through my body. I closed my eyes, trying to think about anything else. Mathematical formulas, dolphins, terrorists, a dock... But it was really difficult. I focused on the blood pounding in my head, my pulsing arms, my shaking legs. And the heart rebelling. Hitting ten times harder than normal. Bad signal.

• Damn it! – I pulled out a pillow and pressed it against my head. Closing your eyes. I remembered my promise. No tears. No tears... Difficult. They wet my eyes even when they were closed. I felt as if I had sand in my eyes and the tears were to expel them. I opened my eyes, looking at the ceiling and coming face to face with a blue sky that clouded my eyes and the smell of sea air that had been filling my nose since a year ago. And confused, with wet eyelashes, I started to think of a way to escape the meeting the day after tomorrow.

Of course, before going to sleep I promised myself not to go to the beach, not leave the house, not talk to Ceci, or anything like that. One thing I had achieved, I didn't talk to Ceci. I saw my mother at breakfast who gave me a scolding about being polite which I made a point of ignoring, but that was it. Of course I couldn't keep the other two promises. It was impossible to stay at home looking at the ceiling and having depressive thoughts, so I went to the beach. That was my refuge. I liked the agitation and calm of the sea, the smell. From the sand between my fingers. Hearing the sea hitting the sand, or encountering large rocks. Of walking along the pier when it was empty, the sea swaying gently below me and I could see my shadow far away. Or just sit on a stool away from me, or on a beach towel and watch the world slowly pass by with time while I read some book.

I was sitting on a stool, wearing a loose, old dress and an all star on my feet, so as not to lose the habit of being comfortable. With yesterday's book in hand. My head was spinning and I was watching people pass by, without really seeing them. Rarely did I pay attention to someone and wonder intimately about what their life was like, trying to forget mine. The day was stupidly hot and I felt sweat forming on my forehead in small droplets, I wiped them away with the palm of my hand. The morning was leaving to give way to one of those afternoons of suffocating heat that we, residents of Santa Bárbara, a small city in Rio de Janeiro, were already accustomed to. The sun hurt my eyes and blinded me, leaving me a little suffocated and dizzy, and I was about to get up and leave, taking refuge in front of my saving and refreshing fan in my room. Until a silhouette appeared, stopping in front of me and blocking the sun.

– Hi. – That voice hurt my ears, but I took a deep, tired breath. I looked up, putting my hand on my face to better see its shape. There he was, his hands in his shorts pocket and an indecipherable expression on his face, his hair was shorter than last time, I noticed.

• What do you want? – I said, my voice controlled. But I was kind of surprised.

• Can I seat?

– No. You better go away.

– How delicate. – he said, ignoring my refusal and sitting on the bench. An ironic smile threatened to appear on his face.

• Thanks. Now respond.

• I want to talk to you. – He sat on the bench next to me. I looked at him from the corner of my eye.

• Serious? Talk to me? I thought you just wanted my permission to have a little chat with the bank.

– You are a figure, Malu. – I snorted, turning my face and hugging my book. Waiting for him to catch up and just go away.

– Are you really going to continue trying to ignore my presence?

– Am I successful? – I risked looking at him from the corner of my eye. A smile appeared on his lips.

• No.

• Drugs...

– Malu...? – he whispered, his voice making me shiver. I came face to face with his eyes that seemed to contain that shade of gold, all the fury of a sea of ​​Titans, even though they weren't blue. His firm but at the same time imploring gaze reminded me of the books I had read about ancient Egypt, about the miracle of waters and rivers, the wealth and beauty of gold. Igor’s eyes were like a sea bathed in gold, perhaps a clear stream that quenched the thirst of millions of Malu’s, like one of those unfortunate dreams of mine. His eyes initially caressed me and then the longing gave me a beautiful imaginary slap. His smell hit me hard, mixed with the fragrance of some cologne unknown to me. I don't know why, or perhaps knowing too much, I felt my blood boil. Out of anger, that was why I shook holding my book and felt my eyes moisten, I tried to make myself believe. I closed my lips. Just out of anger. Just anger. – Malu...

– Eu.

– It's just... I just...

• Just what? – I interrupted him, anticipating the words that would come out of his mouth. – Don’t you want me to tell my sister about last year’s vacation?

– She's a nice girl.

– Not that much, trust me. She's nice sometimes, like... When she sleeps and so on. – I couldn't find my irony funny. – Yeah, she's cool... I know that because I've known her for about 15 years.

– I swear I didn't know she was your sister.

– Would that have changed anything?

• You have no idea. – he looked in the opposite direction than me. We remained silent for a few minutes. Sharing an intimacy that shouldn't exist.

– We shouldn't be having this conversation. – I sighed. It was strange, bizarre, unreal, wrong, too intimate. This moment shouldn't be happening, not like this. Because this had happened so many times a long time ago. The two of us on a bench, sitting, looking at each other hoping that all the answers would come with one look. In the past it would have been with a kiss. The world would make sense when I drowned in the golden sea of ​​your eyes, my anguish and insecurities drowned in an open and warm smile, matching your embrace. But now... The sense was that we were two strangers who knew each other too well. And it shouldn't be like that. Not when he was my new brother-in-law. Not when my sister's eyes, even though she wasn't that close or a friend, shone so much when she mentioned his name. As if it were the most beautiful, most desired and loved gift. It definitely shouldn't be like this. I dug my freshly cut nails into the cover of my old book. – You know what... We are two strangers. That's what we are.

• As? – he seemed surprised to hear my voice.

– You don't know me, I don't know you. Believe this, and everyone else will believe it. – I proclaimed, laughing at myself.