05

– I prefer to sleep. My head feels like it's going to explode and everything. Good night to you;

• Goodnight. – Igor's voice was whispered, like before. I even caught a glimpse of his smile fading away. Two little holes in the corners of his cheeks when he smiled widely. I turned away, without looking in his direction, feeling my heart suffocate in my own hot blood. I ran up the stairs and locked the bedroom door. I was hyperaware of my head pounding, still feeling the adrenaline pumping through my body. I closed my eyes, trying to think about anything else. Mathematical formulas, dolphins, terrorists, a dock... But it was really difficult. I focused on the blood pounding in my head, my pulsing arms, my shaking legs. And the heart rebelling. Hitting ten times harder than normal. Bad signal.

• Damn it! – I pulled out a pillow and pressed it against my head. Closing your eyes. I remembered my promise. No tears. No tears... Difficult. They wet my eyes even when they were closed. I felt as if I had sand in my eyes and the tears were to expel them. I opened my eyes, looking at the ceiling and coming face to face with a blue sky that clouded my eyes and the smell of sea air that had been filling my nose since a year ago. And confused, with wet eyelashes, I started to think of a way to escape the meeting the day after tomorrow.

Of course, before going to sleep I promised myself not to go to the beach, not leave the house, not talk to Ceci, or anything like that. One thing I had achieved, I didn't talk to Ceci. I saw my mother at breakfast who gave me a scolding about being polite which I made a point of ignoring, but that was it. Of course I couldn't keep the other two promises. It was impossible to stay at home looking at the ceiling and having depressive thoughts, so I went to the beach. That was my refuge. I liked the agitation and calm of the sea, the smell. From the sand between my fingers. Hearing the sea hitting the sand, or encountering large rocks. Of walking along the pier when it was empty, the sea swaying gently below me and I could see my shadow far away. Or just sit on a stool away from me, or on a beach towel and watch the world slowly pass by with time while I read some book.

I was sitting on a stool, wearing a loose, old dress and an all star on my feet, so as not to lose the habit of being comfortable. With yesterday's book in hand. My head was spinning and I was watching people pass by, without really seeing them. Rarely did I pay attention to someone and wonder intimately about what their life was like, trying to forget mine. The day was stupidly hot and I felt sweat forming on my forehead in small droplets, I wiped them away with the palm of my hand. The morning was leaving to give way to one of those afternoons of suffocating heat that we, residents of Santa Bárbara, a small city in Rio de Janeiro, were already accustomed to. The sun hurt my eyes and blinded me, leaving me a little suffocated and dizzy, and I was about to get up and leave, taking refuge in front of my saving and refreshing fan in my room. Until a silhouette appeared, stopping in front of me and blocking the sun.

– Hi. – That voice hurt my ears, but I took a deep, tired breath. I looked up, putting my hand on my face to better see its shape. There he was, his hands in his shorts pocket and an indecipherable expression on his face, his hair was shorter than last time, I noticed.

• What do you want? – I said, my voice controlled. But I was kind of surprised.

• Can I seat?

– No. You better go away.

– How delicate. – he said, ignoring my refusal and sitting on the bench. An ironic smile threatened to appear on his face.

• Thanks. Now respond.

• I want to talk to you. – He sat on the bench next to me. I looked at him from the corner of my eye.

• Serious? Talk to me? I thought you just wanted my permission to have a little chat with the bank.