Bumping into R.H.M.

“R.H.M.,” I whispered. “Hi. I was looking for the librarian.”

He smiled down at me as he let me go. “Well, you’ve found him. Are you looking for anything in particular?”

“You’re the librarian?” I asked in shock.

He chuckled. “I am. Kind of.”

“What do you mean, kind of?” I inquired.

He took my hand, and I stared down at our joined hands in shock as he led me to the front of the building. He pointed to two large stands sitting on both sides of the front door.

“We don’t need an actual librarian. These are special barcode readers. It reads the barcodes on the books as they pass through,” he informed me.

“And how do you know who took the books? Are these monitors also identity holders?” I asked.

He burst out laughing again as he gripped my chin in his hand, turning my face to look at the camera positioned above the door.

“I take the time the barcodes are scanned and check the cameras to see who took them. Those monitors are only monitors and walkie-talkies. Not anything else. I write the names down, along with which books they took. Everyone brings them back on time.”

I met his eyes. “That’s actually pretty cool.”

“I know. Do you like to read, princess?”

“Yes. I like to read.”

“What do you like to read?” He asked.

“Everything. It’s all that I could do in my marriage. I wasn’t allowed to go out. I’m hoping that while I’m here, I can find other things I enjoy.”

“Do you want to take some books home and then go explore some of the other things our community offers?” He asked.

“Yeah, I’d like that.”

He tilted his head toward the shelves. “Go on. Go get some books. I’ll wait.”

I threw my arms around his neck, hugging him tight. “I’ll be right back.”

I quickly rushed through the library, grabbing about a dozen books off the shelves before almost running back to R.H.M. as I held them up.

“Is this too many?” I asked.

“Are you sure that you’re going to have time to do anything else with all of those?” He teased.

I smiled at him. “These will take me less than a week to read.” I picked up a semi-thick one. “I can read this one in four hours.”

He raised an eyebrow before taking the stack of books from me. “Come on. Let’s get these back to your house, and we can go to the craft store. There are a lot of different things that you can try.”

I followed him to my house, where we deposited the books on the island in my kitchen. “Come on.”

While we walked to the craft store, he told me about the activities, events, and people in the community, excluding their names. When I asked him why he wouldn’t tell me their names, he told me it was because names held a certain power over people, and that was not what the community was about. It wasn’t about having power over others. It was about reclaiming your own power over ourselves. Every word he said made me more comfortable with the community. With him.

“Here, look at this.”

He handed me a small box that held yarn pieces, a tool, and a weird little tarp thing inside. I turned the box over to read the box before turning it back over to look at the beautiful picture of swimming dolphins on the front.

“Latch hook? Is this like crocheting?” I asked.

“Kind of. It’s more like making a rug. If you don’t like this, how about diamond painting?” He told me.

“Diamond painting? What’s that?”

“It’s where you attach little crystals to paper, and it forms a picture. It’s gorgeous. My sister does them,” he said.

“Does she enjoy them?’

“Yes. She makes them and sells them. A lot of people like the way they look but don’t like the work it takes to complete them.”

“How many siblings do you have, R.H.M.?” I asked.

“I have 4.”

“Will you tell me about them?”

“Sure. I have two brothers who are attorneys. One is a criminal attorney, and the other is a divorce attorney. They are both younger than me. Then there’s my oldest sister. She’s a teacher, and my younger sister is a doctor.”

I smiled softly. “I’ve always wanted to have siblings. I wanted to fight with them and beat them up, but then turn around and protect them or be protected by them. You know that saying. ‘I can fuck with you, but nobody else can.’ I wanted that, but my father and mother thought one was enough. They thought that I was too much.”

“Too much?” He asked. “What does that even mean? Babies are a lot of work.”

I placed my hand on my stomach, sadly. “Yeah, I know…”

He gave me a questioning look but didn’t ask me anything, for which I was thankful. I wasn’t ready to talk about the baby that my husband had stolen from me. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be. I sighed as I lowered my hand.

“I don’t have the money for these,” I said softly before putting the diamond painting box back on the shelf.

He immediately picked it back up. “It’s okay. I’ll get it for you.”

I tried to take the box from him. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Why not?” He asked, gripping the box tightly.

“Because I don’t want to owe you something.”

“You won’t.”

“Yes, I will. Nobody does anything for anyone else for free without wanting something in return,” I told him.

“And what do you think I would want from you in return?” He asked, a little frustrated.

“I don’t know,” I murmured softly. “But I don’t want to find out.”

He let the box go before tilting my face up. “You let me know when you’re ready to reclaim your power, Phoenix. Until then, there is no reason for you to be here. Not everybody is out to hurt you. There are some good people left in the world. Once you figure that out, come see me.”

He put the box back on the shelf before walking away, leaving me feeling like the biggest bitch in existence.

---

I sighed as the sun set around me. I was still very upset over the minor… whatever the conversation R.H.M. and I had in aisle 6 of the craft store could be classified as. I don’t know what prompted me to speak to him like that. This was supposed to be about self-growth, but every time I had an opportunity to be different than I was before, I failed.

Walking around the community and seeing how happy everybody was just made me even more aware of how much I was actually afraid of life. Everything that I said I wanted was within reach here. I could become the woman that I wanted to be. I stopped when I found myself standing in front of the gates where you leave. I let out a shaky breath before sinking to my knees. I folded my hands in my lap, lowering my head.

“Dear Lord, please help me overcome my fears. Please show me the way to grow so that I may continue to honor Your plan for my life. I beg of you to take my shame and give me joy in its place. Turn my fear and worries into peace, confidence, and eagerness for life. Amen.”

I remained on my knees with my head bowed until it was completely dark around me and I could hear the nocturnal predators starting to hunt for their prey. When I started to doze off, I got to my feet to go back to my temporary home. I stopped outside of Mister’s office, looking up at the windows high above me, wondering if R.H.M. was still at work or even on the property. Sighing, I turned away from the building, too ashamed of my behavior to reach out.

I passed by a nude male who nodded at me. A thought struck me, and I spun around to rush after him.

“Excuse me! Sir!” I called out.

“Yes?” He said as he turned around.

“I’m new here, and I was wondering if I could ask you something.”

“Sure. How can I help you?”

“How do I get to Atom Square?” I asked.

“You turn right here, walk down two blocks, turn right again, and walk another six blocks. It’s the area with a white picket fence. You can’t miss it,” he told me.

“Thank you.”

“Are you going to the event tomorrow?” He asked.

“I’m thinking about it,” I said.

He smiled at me. “I hope to see you there, Miss ummm…”

“Phoenix,” I finished for him.

“Phoenix. That’s beautiful. Have a good night.”

“You too.”

I jogged the rest of the way home, letting myself in. I instantly went into the kitchen to make myself a plate of food, freezing just inside the door when my eyes saw the two boxes on the island with another envelope leaning against it. I picked up the envelope with shaking hands and pulled the card out.

‘Leah,

Good people do exist.’

I sat down on the stool, staring at the diamond painting and latch hook boxes in front of me. I was stunned to see the boxes, but maybe this was a sign of which path to take. On who to trust. I picked up the latch hook box, smiling happily, before setting it back down to lift my wrist to my mouth. I deployed the button on the side.

“Thank you, R.H.M. Not just for the surprises, but for everything.”

I set about heating up leftovers while I waited for a response that I didn’t really believe was going to come.

“It’s no problem, Phoenix.”

I took a deep breath as I gripped the edge of the counter to keep my legs from folding at his answer. I took a deep breath before responding to him.

“Hey, R.H.M.?”

“Yes, Phoenix?”

“Can you do me a favor?” I asked softly.

“It depends. What is it?”

“Can you call me princess? I like that better,” I said before I could chicken out again.

When he didn’t respond, I went back to fixing my meal, embarrassed that I had asked him for that. When I was finished with my dinner and cleaned up my mess, I started walking down the hallway towards my bedroom. My monitor beeped, making me pause.

“Goodnight, Princess. I hope you sleep well.”

I let out a relieved breath before replying softly, “Goodnight, R.H.M.”