Chapter 5

I wish I had been inspired enough to ask what movie we were watching. 365 Days. Mina and Delilah's Choice. I find myself sitting next to Mina and Hades. I'm not eating the popcorn but I'm drinking the glass of Coke I brought. I can barely concentrate on the movie. The necklace is tightening around me, and during the shower scene, I don't feel like myself.

I rest my hand on the edge of the chair. He does the same thing. I'm sure we don't do it on purpose but our elbows touch. I don't look at him. Two rows ahead, I see a girl reaching down her boyfriend's pants. Mine stops herself from laughing, from saying something outrageous. I force myself to look at the screen. I swallow hard when I feel his arm pressing against mine. From shoulder to elbow, from elbow to wrist, to his little finger touching mine. The sex scene. His leg moves toward me. My leg sticks to his, but my knee seeks his skin.

Delilah moves her hand to his thigh. She lifts it. He refuses it. I close my eyes. What a mistake. I think about the kiss. That night, we watched the movie—that moment at the Reception. I can't breathe. I open my eyes. I squeeze my legs tighter.

"Are you okay?" Mina asks me, smiling.

"Yes," I answer quickly, in a whisper. "I'm going to the bathroom."

I knew it was a bad idea to sit next to him. He senses my absence, I think, or at least the movement because he looks at me confused. I know he's coming after me, I saw Delilah asking him to do it. There's only one bathroom, for everyone, so it's no problem for him to follow me in.

"Did I do something wrong?" he asks me.

I turn on the cold water. I wash my hands. I wet my neck. I'm terribly hot.

"No," I assure him. There were too many people inside. I could barely breathe. "Go," I ask. "I'll be right back."

"Ah. You mean from the heat? Are you sure it's not something else?"

I know exactly what he's referring to.

"What is it?"

She shrugs and leans against the edge of the tassel.

"Maybe it was too much for you. The movie starts slowly. The kiss. Us, earlier… I think you just want to have sex."

"I don't want this."

"Then masturbate. I can leave if that's it. I guess it won't take much time anyway, given how soft you are."

"I don't masturbate," I tell him without believing he's saying that.

"Never?" he asks confused.

"No. I want my first experience like this to be a little more romantic than that. More...I don't know—more than carnal desire."

I'm not sure he understands what I'm saying. He approves, though. He doesn't come closer or touch me anymore. He waits until I decide to turn around.

"You should try though," he whispers as we leave the bathroom.

I can't have this conversation with him right now.

"Touch me alone, you say?"

"Not necessarily. There are toys for that if you don't want to do it yourself."

It seems like a good time to end the conversation. I'm thinking, though, that I didn't move fast enough. He saw. He saw that I was curious and knew what I wanted before I did. When we got back, he made a joke about how it was too much for me, and I told him to go to hell because that's what we would normally do. I kept my arm to myself.

After the movie, we went to a terrace. I had some tea and sat. We talked about the movie. Hades dropped me off at the house and I'm sure we won't talk about it again until Sunday night when he texts me and tells me to open the window. I open it only to find him up on the terrace cover. I can't see his car either, and I'm really curious about how he got up there with flowers in his hand. He walks into the room without saying anything.

"You said you wanted romance," he explains. "I thought this should be pretty romantic. These are for you. I think I broke one or two, though, so I'm hesitant. Oh and… this," he takes a box out of his backpack and hands it to me. "I can't stay here anymore, but I'll see you in the morning. You don't have to use it if you don't want to. I just thought you'd have it when you're ready."

"What are you talking about?"

He has a childish face now, like never before. He leans over and breaks a kiss from me then walks out the way he came. When I open the box I understand precisely what's in there and why he kept stuttering. It's a small and discreet vibrator. I reach for the window but he's already gone. I close the window and put the flowers in the vase. I pour some water from the one I brought to drink. The box is open next to me and I find myself staring at the device.

If my mother got it here that doesn't mean that... No? It doesn't mean anything. It's not the least bit romantic or... I think about my parents' marriage. It started with love. I feel like even the carnal Pinta is gone now. Habit. I lead two separate lives. Just like I live my life without them.

I turn off my light and turn it on then I bring it closer to Zina between my legs. Over my underwear. I bring my other hand to my mouth. Not to make a sound. Honestly, I take off my underwear pretty quickly once I start. I'm a terrible girlfriend. I know this because I close my eyes and all I can think about is Hades. How I'd rather have him be the one touching me. But all I have for now is my imagination.