Chapter 1: Trust Issues
“Seduction is not about overpowering, but about understanding and captivating.”– Esther Perel.
Alexis
Shakespeare once said, “Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice; but for those who love, time is eternity.” What did he know about love? The majority of his work had love ending tragically. Ironically, it mirrors my dating history.
Some people say that love has no real definition, but I beg to differ. For me, love consists of simple gestures, words spoken from the soul, not fearing displays of affection in public, and trusting the one you love to never cheat or leave you. I know I ask for too much, but I am not getting any younger. However, I fear that what I seek is far from reality, perhaps it can only be found in fiction.
Can someone fabricate the love that they long for? I want my life to be like those in the most romantic movies and books throughout history. I think most people want that, and I strongly believe that art should imitate life, not the other way around. Unfortunately, my life has played out like the Titanic. Guys would rather drown than be with me.
Once again, I have found myself alone, and it is during one of the worst times of the year. Not only is it nearly spring, but February is starting, and I long for a touch, a sensation, or a look that tantalizes and tempts me, like in movies and romance novels. For once, I was ready for this year’s Valentine’s Day. I had a boyfriend named Steve, who was one of my longest relationships, and who ironically, had the same name as my neighbor, who I had fantasized about for years. We had been together for almost a year before I found him in bed with a friend from work. My best friends, Kim and Cami, never liked him and his cheating confirmed their disdain for him. After I stopped dating him, we did some digging and uncovered that he had been cheating most of our relationship. That freaked me out, so I made sure that I had every STD test, known to man, done. I really should just start avoiding any guy named Steve. Perhaps, I should avoid men altogether, but my desire for that perfect family drives me to keep pursuing a relationship.
As another February and Valentine's Day comes, I sit alone in my room, staring at my romance movie and book collections. I had so many plans for this year, but Steve had to blow them out of the water and leave me drowning in his wake. Like a tomb of a failed life, my apartment contains everything I bought to celebrate a love that I had thought I had found. I have all of his favorite foods, a nice selection of wines, romantic movies, and adult toys, and I even have a few pornos featuring the guys and girls from Something Naughty. I had even planned on asking him to marry me. What was I going to do now? February has begun and Valentine’s Day is two weeks away.
How was I going to find a boyfriend, or even a date that quickly? I did not want to be alone. After all, my worst nightmare was being surrounded by beautiful couples showering each other with love and being alone on the curb, discarded like garbage. Yes, I could arrange a hookup, but I am not that type of girl. Plus, I don't have casual sex because I have only been with my boyfriend and now I would have to find another. That will prove to be difficult since, not just my heart, but also my trust was broken.
I could do a long-distance relationship but I know that I would need physical intimacy which cyberspace can't provide. The thought of going to a singles mixer churns my stomach, too. There has to be some sort of option for me. It would be wonderful if you could order a boyfriend and have him delivered like I do my Chinese food.