Chapter 6: I Don't Want To Pretend To Be Okay

Chapter 6: I Don't Want To Pretend To Be Okay

Nelson

It has been three years since the incident happened, so I should be able to bear some loud music for goodness sake. My responses seemed to manage to convince Liam, and thankfully, we quickly made our way to the bar and I ordered myself a beer. Things are going to get easier with a bit of alcohol, or maybe not, but I can try anyway. We made out with his boyfriend and Eddy is seated. Eric was wearing one of his nerdy t-shirts with a hoodie while Eddy obviously just got off work and  he is dressed in a nice fitted blue suit and a white shirt. He just removed his tie and left the first button of his shirt open, showing off a bit of the hair on his chest.

Eddy was built with the same mold as Liam, he is just a bit taller and had brown hair which was neatly styled on the side, and mischievous eyes. His body is to die for, with all the right muscles in the right place and not too much this time. Eddy and I have a bit of history, we fooled around in the university. We actually met at one of the rare parties I attended, he flirts heavily with me which led to some kisses and then us in the same bed together. It was never more than friends with benefits, because neither of us had serious feelings, but we kept this arrangement for the best part of a year since it suited us both. Probably, the best sex I ever had. He pulled me into a hug after I had said hello to Eric and ruffled my hair. He knew how much I hated that. I complained loudly while trying to fix it, but just like this, he managed to make me forget the loud music for a few seconds. His exuberance and his joyfulness are committed, it is really hard to stay in a dark mood around him.

We catch up a little about our representative jobs, but the conversion soon turned to our sex lives or in my case, lack thereof. Four gay men in a bar with two and half minds prevented mind. I am only counting myself as half compared to my friends and Eric is way too innocent.

“Come on, Nelson. When was the last time you had sex?” Eddy asked.

“I am sure you could score anyone you want tonight.”

Yes, we are at gay bar, and it is true I saw some hot pieces of deliciousness around but the chances they would be interested in me are close to zero. So, I won't even try anything, besides, it is already a miracle I managed to enter this place. I certainly won't wander off on my own.

“Last time was a month ago just before the holidays.” I replied.

“And with that guy you hooked me up with, not your best idea by the way. He couldn't even get it up.”

My words throw him into fits of laughter and he almost spills his drink. Eric is as red as a field of tomatoes ready for harvest while Liam is smiling, he already knew the story of course.

“Wow, that must have led to some serious action.” Eddy muttered.

“I could have topped him, but for some reason, I wasn't in the mood. He gave me a nice blowjob though.”

It was actually average at best, but let's brag a little.

“Not sure he would have felt a thing.” He teased back.

Now that wasn't very nice. Just because he is well endowed and I am just average isn't any reason to make fun of me. I have the perfect comeback since he let me top him once and certainly felt something. He made me promise to never tell anyone about it, I guess he feels it would diminish his masculinity in a way, which is completely stupid if you ask me. As for me, I usually prefer bottoming, but topping once in a while is also nice. Since I am kind, I just gave him a knowing look and a smack on the head.

“No one I have topped complained.” I replied instead, pointedly not looking at him.

“Perhaps, it is only because they were too polite to say something.” Eddy smirked at the other end of the table. It looks like let's bash Nelson day.

“Did you all come tonight just to tease me?” I asked as I rolled my eyes at him.

“Nobody has come yet.” Eddy replied.

“But I hope that will change before the end of the evening.” He added with a wink.

Of course, he would make a lewd joke, he is such a pervert. I can never use the word come or where around him without consequences. It is so painful having to watch what you are saying, his joke makes Liam and Eric blush a little even though I have trouble suppressing a laugh.

“I am sure it will.” I replied.

“Do you have any targets yet?”

“Yes, a few twinks have caught my eyes. But what about you? I am sure we can find you a suitable male here who will be able to make your night memorable.” He added.

The evening goes on with Eddy bragging about his latest catches for a moment. Until I felt the need to use the restroom, perhaps, I shouldn't have taken a second bottle. That certainly kills my mood since my pathetic self can't go to the bathroom alone anymore in a bar or any public place without having an anxiety attack. Fortunately, I didn't have to wait long before Eric had to go and I just tagged along. But still, as I was going into the free stall, the memories I would like to definitely forget began to play in my mind. Stupid brain, can't you just let me enjoy one night out with my friends? I try to do my business as quickly as I can, and go back to the table with my friends. But, I wasn't in the mood anymore. Before one of them catches me brooding, I pretentitate the need for a big night of sleep and order myself a ride home. I don't fancy taking the subway back home in this state of mind, I quickly hug everyone and then make my way outside. That was without counting on Eddy's persistence though. I guess, I didn't fool them as much as I would have liked.

“Wait, Nelson.” He catches up with me outside without his coat even on.

He is going to freeze to death, he pulls into his embrace and squeezes me in his arms. The comforting smell of his cologne and the hug are nice, but not enough to help me relax completely.

“Are you really okay?” He asked in a concerned tone.

I hate that I can't manage to properly hide my problem to my friends, I have put them through enough trouble as it is, I don't have to inflict my swings of mood on them as well.

“Not completely.” I can't lie now that they realized something was off.

“But, I will be fine with a good night of sleep.”

That might be true, but I wouldn't have one of those good night's sleep.

“Liam said I was a jerk for choosing a place like this.” He muttered.

Couldn't Liam keep his mouth shut? Now Eddy is going to feel bad for something he shouldn't.

“I am really sorry, I thought it would be a good idea to help you meet someone.”

“Don't be sorry,” I responded.

“You did nothing wrong, I am just a bit tired tonight.”

“You need to find yourself a nice guy who will make you forget what has happened to you.” He whispered.

He is right, but I am too socially damaged to meet new people. Besides, who would want to date me?

“My ride is here.” I muttered instead, just to escape the conversation.

“Bye then.” He sighed.

“You know Liam and I are here for you and you know you can call me at night if you are feeling a bit down. I will be happy to hang around.” He offered.

I know that, but I won't take him up on his offer. I have already asked too much of him in the past, instead I forced myself to smile and wave him goodbye while I got into the car.

Once I arrived at home, I let go of myself. Home is safe, at home I don't have to pretend to be strong, I don't have to pretend to be okay and I don't have to pretend that I have moved on. All the walls I have built around myself this morning fall apart. I sat on my couch and took my knees between my arms, hugging them closely while I took a deep breath. The memories I have been trying to suppress since I was in the toilet at the bar came back with full force.