Chapter 14 Dark Thoughts

My head hurts. I can’t open my eyes. I feel like I have cotton stuffed inside my head. My mouth is dry, and for some reason, I think I died. But if this is death, I must be in hell because this is not Heaven. Or is this something else all together? I take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the scent of laundry detergent… Does death smell like laundry?

I’m so confused right now. If my lungs are working, that means I’m still alive… That’s good… right? Actually, I’m not sure if that's good or not. If I’m still alive, I have the potential of physical pain. I don’t like pain. I’m feeling pain…

What happened? My brain seems to be moving through molasses, and my body is trapped in a tub of tar. Why is nothing working right? Why can’t I remember anything? Maybe I am in Hell…

All I know is I’m in a soft, cozy bed, and I have no intention of ever getting out of it again. I don’t remember being in a bed so warm for a long time. Nothing scratches, no springs are poking through… No other bodies are hogging the blankets.

I sigh, trying to remember why I feel like crap. Do I have the flu or something? That may account for the aches and pains… but there is an emptiness that seems to be unexplained. Why do I feel so hollow, like nothing else matters to me anymore? Did anything ever matter to me? I can’t remember caring about anything for… I don’t know. Right now, I just wish I didn’t exist… Then maybe this feeling would go away. If there is a God, may He be merciful and take away the ache in my heart.

I try to think about anything… but my head starts to hurt. Why is my head hurting? I’m not hungover. I don’t drink alcohol. I never have. Why do I need something impairing my judgment when it seems like I’m completely capable of making horrible decisions all on my own? I’m already dealing with depression. Alcohol is just a bad thing, and I refuse to touch it.

Did Chris hit me again? I don’t remember, but this doesn’t seem like the same kind of ache I normally get after he hits me. Normally, I feel a lot more bloody… But that wouldn’t surprise me if he found a new way to punish me. Although, that doesn’t seem right… Why is that?

My eyes pop open as I look around me. I see a little kitchenette and a little couch and table. Then they landed on my backpack, dropped at the foot of the bed.

That’s the moment my mind starts to catch up to me. My heart beats faster as I’m filled with a momentary feeling of comfort and peace. I left him! I’m safe! I can make a new life here with new friends and maybe a real chance at love. And if not, then at least I will no longer have anyone badgering me all the time. I can be single for the rest of my life if need be. I could live with that.

But then why… I still have this niggling in the back of my mind. I’m missing something, and I can’t remember quite what it is.

I crawl out of my bed and drag my feet into my bathroom. I catch my reflection in the mirror and almost jump in fright. I look like a zombie crawled out of some horror apocalypse movie. How the hell did this happen?

My eyes are puffy and red. There are dried tear stain trails covering my face. My hair looks like rats decided to use it to breed in. I’m still in my clothes from the restaurant… My face is so pasty white against my dark red curls, even my freckles are standing out like they were painted on. I have bags under my eyes… I’m so glad I don’t wear make-up! It would’ve looked a hundred times worse.

The restaurant! Suddenly, all the memories come spilling back into my brain. I wish they would slow down*, but they crash over me, causing me to almost panic with the replay of the day before. Some were pleasant, but other memories were painful. I felt like I was on a roller-coaster without a harness on.*

I met Seth yesterday, and he was sweet to me. And then some slutty blond came and threw herself on his lap… I still don’t understand what her problem was with me. I was only talking to him, even though he was flirting with me.

There was an argument, but it wasn’t with me. It was between Seth and Monica. He told her he didn’t want anything to do with her, which made me happy but she was angry… She dumped her food on herself to get me in trouble, but Seth didn’t believe her. And neither did Marge!

I was freaking out and in shock. I didn’t want them to think badly of me. I needed them to believe me for once. I needed someone on my side! Then he held me… It felt nice to be in his arms… Seth was comforting me, and reassuring me I didn’t do anything wrong. He told me he would see me today… Does that mean he still wants to see me?

Then Oakley took me to the break room and told me about Monica and Seth’s relationship… or lack thereof… She explained a lot to me. Like how Seth never flirts with girls, and how I’m his type… although I’m still trying to figure out how they know his type if he never dates.

I remember finishing my shift and finding my car all scratched up… I wanted to cry! What had my car done to anyone else? I’m not surprised they knew which car was mine. It was probably the only one with the Oklahoma license plates… Plus, the only car new to town… I still don’t know who did it, but I’ve got an idea.

And finally, I remember just wanting to come to a place that was just mine. I turned in my motel key and brought my clothes to my little room… And then I crawled into my bed where I passed out crying my eyes out because I really wanted this to be my new start.

My mind is spinning. How had my new start already started to spiral when no one in this state even knows who I am? I just want to live my life! I have never hurt a single person in my entire life! I wanted to be safe for once. I wanted real friends and the chance to make my own money. I just want to be left alone! I don’t want to deal with a new drama that I don’t even understand.

Does the world just hate me? Am I an evil person? Am I just jinxed, and anywhere I end up, people will try to hurt me? Did I kill puppies in a previous life? What the hell is wrong with me?! I don’t know! Why can’t I just be happy and live a peaceful life like all the normal people do? Is that too much to ask?

I can’t stand to look at myself anymore. I tear off my clothes and turn on the shower as hot as it will go. I wait for the steam to start billowing from the cubical before I open the door.

The water stings my skin with the burn as I climb in, but I don’t care. I just want to melt into a puddle of nothing. My skin burns red as I scrub my skin, trying to cleanse myself of whatever curse has befallen me. The stinging water melds with my tears. Why does this keep happening to me? The pounding of the water makes me focus on something other than my useless life. Why am I still alive?

Would it be better if I just died? Would the pain end once I’m no longer breathing? Would anybody even care enough to bury me if I did die? Well, maybe Marge and the girls… Seth and Josh seemed like they might attend a wake if they gave me one… None of my family would even know I was gone. I have nothing of value… I’m nothing of value…

I shut off my shower when I heard my phone ring. Maybe Marge is calling me to tell me not to come to work today… I don’t even know if that would be a good thing or not. Has she given up on me, too? I don’t want to be useless to everyone.

I grab my phone and see an unknown number on my phone. Who would be calling? One of the girls? Other than them, the only other people who I’ve met since I’ve been here are Seth and Josh… Well, and Monica, but I don’t think she would waste her time calling me.

I decided to take the call just before it went to voicemail.

“Hello,” I whisper. I am confused as to who would call me and why. I have Marge’s number, so at least I know that I’m still supposed to work today.

“Ivy,” I hear a sigh on the other side of the phone.

But the person who called was not Marge, but someone who made me tremble and feel creepy!