Chapter 4 Phone Calls

I don’t know how long it took to pack my few belongings and stuff them in my little 1998 Toyota Camry and take off into the unknown. I really didn’t have the funds to keep spending it at an old motel and not have a job, and since I didn’t want to stick around, it was time to leave.

It didn’t take long for Chris to start blowing up my phone. I wish I had the foresight to disable my tracking app on my phone. I hadn’t been thinking when I entered my car. I just knew I had to leave before I was stuck here forever. And that is exactly what Chris wanted. I don’t know why he thinks he still wants me… Probably for the imaginary child I am carrying. It doesn’t matter, though. Because of him, I lost it. Why the hell would I pick up the phone just to have him explain it away? Can’t I just ignore him for the rest of my life? It would be easy…

However, I was tired of being a coward. I knew that if I didn’t answer the stupid phone, he would continue to call me over and over again until I gave in. I didn’t want to put it off forever anymore. I needed to stand up to the two-timing bastard and get it over with. Then I could finally move on with my life… At least I hoped I could. At the moment, there is nothing that seems worth living for. This will pass, won’t it? I can’t spend the rest of my life living like this, or it won’t be a very long life…

I finally pulled over and angrily grabbed the damned phone and swiped the green icon. I’m going to get this over with as soon as possible and forget his name even existed! I’m not going to spend more than two minutes talking to him, I promised myself.

“What?!” I demanded after a solid half hour of endless ringing. I am going to stand firm and not let him make a fool of me once again.

“I’m surprised you finally picked up,” he said under his breath. But I can hear he is actually relieved that I actually picked it up instead of letting it continue to ring. Maybe he thinks he will sway me back to his side, but that is not going to happen. I am completely done with him and his lies and his abuse.

“What do you want, or I’m turning off my phone!” I state. I can’t sit here on the side of the road forever just to hear him complain to me about answering the phone. I don’t have time for this. I want to find a place to stay as soon as possible.

“Where are you going?” he grumbles, almost sounding concerned. How dare he ask me that? It’s none of his damn business here I go! I could go to the moon for all it matters, and he’d have no reason to stop me. I don’t belong to him!

“It’s none of your business where I’m going! I could go to the Bahamas and you couldn’t stop me!” I huff in annoyance. I shouldn’t have answered the phone! He is just going to argue with me, and I am not in the mood to talk.

“You can’t leave me. I didn’t sign the divorce agreement,” he reminds me. Yes, I noticed he didn’t sign, but the judge was nice and didn’t seem to mind when he dissolved the marriage.

“Well, guess what?! It doesn't matter either way. I left your sorry ass for something better,” I smirk, feigning confidence I don’t have. To be honest, I’m scared and distraught. But I don’t want him to know that. I want him to think I really have moved on, and I will be happy without him. Hey, I still have my pride! Sort of…

My emotions are all over the place since I lost my baby. I feel like a failure and that there is nothing left for me. I feel angry at Chris and Michelle for cheating on me. I can never forgive them no matter how many times Chris begs me to. I feel alone and desperate. Even my baby left me… Not that I’m blaming my baby! No! That is all Chris’ fault… And mine because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut in front of my ex and his slut!

Tears run down my cheek with a vengeance. I can’t seem to keep it together, and I need to! I need to make him regret what he’s done to me, but now he will only think I’m weak. But how the hell am I supposed to lie to myself? It hurts so badly*. I have nothing!* They stole everything from me whether they know it or not.

“You can’t leave! You can’t take my child from me!” I hear him breathing heavily. Oh, he’s pissed now? Well, I’ll give him a reason to feel pissed! He has no reason to act like this to me when all of this is his fault!

Just out of spite, I never told him I lost my baby. He can be angry all he wants, but it is his fault the baby died. My one ray of sunshine was stolen from me by my asshole of a husband. How have I lived like this for so long? Why did I grow to depend upon his manipulations and lies? Am I really that desperate? Don’t answer that!

“I can do whatever I want. According to the papers*, I was never pregnant with your child.* Maybe it was from someone else,” I ground out. Yeah, I can’t even lie through the phone. I wish I could. I wish I could just tell him to go to hell… But it's like he conditioned me to be loyal to him, and he knows it.

“You wouldn’t…” he sounds so small right now, I almost feel bad for him. Does he actually think I would do that to him? I don’t know if I should feel proud or disgusted by him. Has my loyalty really meant nothing to him that he would believe me?

“And who said I wouldn’t? Maybe I went out to a bar one night while you were ‘staying late at work’ then got wasted and slept with some random man… “ Wishful thinking… And actually, yes, I’d wished for that very thing. Maybe he would take me away from my situation.

I hear a grinding noise from the other end of the phone. Yes, I’m being bitter and petty, but I don’t care! This man screwed up my life even worse than it had already been! If he wanted Michelle from the beginning, I would’ve let them at it! I would’ve never slept with him! In fact, I wish he had gone after her in the beginning, then I would be free, and my spiraling depression would not be this bad!