05: My Marriage Is A Devil’s Domain

CARL

The pungent stench of alcohol was the first thing I was welcomed with by the moment I walked into my home. My house smelled no different from petty bars and the streets. It wasn't a new development, so I didn't find it surprising, yet the irritation was brand new, and it boiled down to the question, what had I gotten myself into?

You see, I took a wrong turn in my life about five years ago, and the deco har ceaselessly haunted me all the days of my life, up to this moment. My hands instinctively went up to my nose to block out the disgusting odor. Seriously, how long has it been?

When did she plan to stop this childishness? I invaded the living room, following the trails of cigarette butts and ashes that stained the marble floor. She wasn't in the living room, of course. Today wouldn't slip by without another drama.

I settled on the brown plush couch, letting out a tired breath as my back hit in, and I sank deeper into it, feeling the fatigue of working all day and night wash up to my joints. I did all these and came back to what? A drunk wife and a motel for a house.

My tie tugged off angrily as I pulled it and undid the top button of my shirt. I felt confined— that was the only stable emotion that I'd been blessed with in this marriage. Linda was probably passed out in the bedroom, just as I expected.

She'd blasted my phone with subsequent texts hours ago of how she'd been waiting for me. Coming home this late had been on purpose. I wasn't quite sure I wanted to see it— now, or tomorrow. Yes, our relationship had gotten like that. Starting with a blazing, selfish fire only to die into a light that barely lit up a candle.

It had become routine. I sat there for a while and let my mind travel to all the edges of my life and how it had played out for years. It wasn't very memorable; nothing was.

I stood up and waddled to the dark room. We had separate rooms, but it was only right that a husband checked on his sleeping wife before disappearing off to bed. Although, I'd rather not. Finding my way through the dark, my fingers located the light switch by the wall, and I flicked it on.

"Surprise!" Linda's tired voice danced into my ears. Despite the weariness I sensed it in, the aggression wasn't toned down. She waddled off the bed and sat at the edge of it, ogling at me. "I've been waiting for you to come in!"

Of course, she has. I eyed her. Linda was clad in red lingerie that clung to her body in the sexiest of ways. No doubt, she was beautiful. Stunning even, but all that was shoved down my throat was repulse. "Really?" I faked a smile that stopped right beneath my eyes. "I didn't know..."

There were three different alcohol bottles on the mahogany table at the end of the room. As always, I acted as if I didn't see it. She took faltering steps towards me and threw her arms around my neck, reeling me in. "Of course!" Linda brought her lips closer to my ears. "I'm so...wet for you, my love!"

Every word was accompanied by the thick smell of gin, then scotch. My forehead creased, and I stepped away, hiding my disgust. "What you need right now is rest."

"What do you mean?" She breathed into my ears, her hands crawling all over me. "You are what I need. It's all you, Carl. I've been waiting." Her words were carried by a strained breath and raspy voice that let it fall flat against my ears.

Even if I had an erection, it'd die upon hearing how she struggled to get even her language right. Again, what had I gotten myself into? I pulled her off me, and she attached again, like glue, slacking against me.

Linda took my hand and placed it on her breast, while her lips met mine. Again, alcohol. More alcohol smell. I pulled her away again, and she fell to the bed. "I'm not in the mood for this. I had a long day."

"Too long for you to even have time for me?" she yelled, staggering across the room and grabbing another bottle tightly in her arms that her knuckles almost turned white.  "Is this all we've become, Carl? Is this all we've become!?"

As if her drunken state weren't enough, she was going to make this night a nightmare, just as yesterday and, the day before that, and the day before that. Basically, all my life was trouble.

I ruffled my hair and let out a breath, trying to remain rational in this severely irrational situation. "I don't have time for this, Linda. Just go to bed!"

She sniffled, and I heard a gulp. She might drink herself to death at this point. Even her mother had believed me when I spoke of the drinking habit Linda suddenly developed last year after the doctor had told us about her condition.

"Can you at least stay with me tonight?"

My eyes darted to the bed, and I noticed the rose petals sparsely thrown upon it. Typical for when a drunk tries to be romantic. "I'd be working all night," I responded curtly.

"Can't you just take tonight off? Carl, I need you by my side tonight?" Her tone reeked of desperation, and that, for some reason, only angered me more.

"I don't--"

"Why are you being so cruel to me!?" Linda shouted and hurled the bottle she held to the wall. It hit the wall and shattered to pieces, creating a loud crash that I was all too used to.  The impact sent shards flying in all directions. "WHY DO YOU ACT LIKE YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE?"

I looked up at the wall, and where the bottle had hit. It was the same spot as several other bottles that she'd thrown. It had become a routine. She got drunk, yelled to be loved, and threw things out of spite.

Like watching the same show over and over again and knowing exactly where it ended. A burst of laughter bubbled from my throat. What more to do than laugh at her foolishness?

Linda stood up and walked towards me, a sharp gasp spilling from her lips as she showed her hand to me. A shard had sliced across her palm, and blood welled from the wound. "Look at this, look at what you've caused!" she sucked her teeth, panting from the pain of the cut. "Just look! Look at what you've done to me!"

"Shut up!"

"Don't!" she pulled closer, her eyes dazed, and half closed. "Don't you tell me to shut up! Don't tell me anything! If you can't get into that bed and sleep with me, don't..." Linda shuddered as her voice trailed off. She closed her eyes and let the tears fall. "Don't act like you care!"

"You're right," I said with a hard glare. "I do not care."

"Carl..." her voice was barely above a whisper when she called my name, and both her hands grabbed either side of my face. She cried in a hushed tone, and I could feel the blood from her palm rub my chin. "Carl, we have to keep trying! We have to try again. Do not...do not give up on me!"

I wasn't giving up on her, I just didn't have it in me to care anymore, and I was sick to my stomach hearing this line over and over again. "Go to bed, Linda. You're drunk."

I wondered what must have triggered her to drink this much today. Linda raced to the other side of the bed and held something up. It was unclear from where she stood, but as she grew closer, the image cleared out before my eyes.

A pregnancy test kit. "I checked again today, and...it was negative. What am I not getting pregnant, Carl? We've tried everything! Why am I not getting pregnant? You want a child, don't you? Is that why you hate me so much?!"

She flung it to me. "It is negative again! I'm tired and sick of this circle, and you won't even touch me! How do you expect me to get pregnant if we don't make attempts to?"

I sighed tiredly, dreading having to go through this again. "Let's talk about this by morning." It had been two years since the doctor had informed us of Linda's infertility due to uterus damage due to frequent abortions. I didn't blame her for it at the time.

I couldn't afford to. I chased Alma out of my life for her, so I had to deal with it without shame, like a man. Since then, we've had infuriating moments like this. Moments where I constantly think of divorce papers and going our separate ways, but really? How long did I want to do that for?

The love I was once deluded by had completely faded before my eyes, and they were wide open to the ugly that we eventually became.

"No, I want to talk about it now. Let's...let us have sex. Tonight might be our lucky day. Tonight might be the day it actually goes well. Please don't rob me of it! Please..."

"Get off me, Linda."

"I don't want to. I—"

"Linda! You are incapable of bearing children!" The air fell silent, and I staggered backward, feeling lightheaded myself, "You cannot have children, Linda. You are not healthy enough to. So stop being a child and snap out of this madness!"

"What did you just say to me?" Her voice blurred, by tears and her voice was raggedy. "Why would you say that?"

I stormed out of the room without words. This must be payback for what I did to Alma. The universe was punishing me for it.

Morning came with that sweet aroma of pancakes and bacon. I'd very much love to go out without seeing Linda, especially after last night, but it was impossible as the kitchen was basically where she resided during the day.

I'd barely walked two steps outside my door when I heard my name from her very familiar voice and turned, steadying my expression.

"Good morning, my love," she leaned in and kissed my cheek. Thankfully, it didn't reek of alcohol this time. She stepped back, and the disappointment was etched behind her eyes, just as every morning after she misbehaved. "I made breakfast."

"I'm not hungry."

"Carl..."

"I said I'm not hungry," I insisted, walking away, and she followed behind me.

"I'm sorry about last night. I wasn't thinking straight, and I've been trying so hard to do what's best for us."

I scoffed, half-turned as I glared at her. "What's good for us might be for you to stay the hell away from me right now. Your presence isn't exactly appealing."

"How can you say that to your wife?"

"Oh, I used to have a wife. Now I've lost track of what the word means."

She squinted, creasing her brows as her jaw slacked. "You used to have a wife? You mean the one you had when you fucked and cheated with me?" Linda hit her chest. "The one over whom you chose me and chased her out on a rainy day, is it that wife, Carl, or is there someone else that I don't know about?"

I was overcome by guilt, and the memories of that day replayed in my head. Alma's last words ceaselessly played around in my brain.

"You don't know anything."

"Oh, I do, alright!" she swung her arms. "Are you going to treat me like you treated Alma?"

I walked away from her to avoid getting provoked. Linda didn't seem to be stopping soon. "Are you going to throw me out, just like you did her? Talk to me, Carl! If she's such a sensitive topic, then I guess you should know. Alma is coming back to town, you man whore! I got the call this morning. She's coming back, and I sure as hell know that she hates your guts."

My heartbeat slowed, and everything else faded before my eyes. Alma?

"What did you say?"

With her arms folded across her chest, she repeated. "You heard right."